Little Heart

important

2012-02-07T06:05:00.001-08:00

i hope to take this up again later today, but just now, i read 1 corinthians 10:31, and was reminded of something.

naturally, as i read, my eyes have been trained to read an appointed, recommended verse, and then sift through the verses around it - starting before and after a paragraph, if it is one. and it usually is. :) most of us know this verse:

"so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

i came here because John Piper suggested his catch phrase - one i heartily adhere to as a genuine truth. he said, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." yes. yes, and satisfaction comes from steeping your heart in Scripture, and being obedient, among other things.

as my eyes trickled upward, i spotted, "'all things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'all things are lawful,' but not all things build up. let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."

last night, i bemoaned my two-facedness to joel. i have not always sought the good of my neighbor. i have not avoided things i know that cause others to stumble. i have not always spoken well, and my tongue has proven to be more than poisonous, more than deadly. hacked people to pieces, i have. with cynicism. and skepticism. and judgment.

i want my words to be helpful. i want them to build up - whoever i am talking to or about. i want to keep my tongue from causing others to stumble. i want to seek the good of my neighbor. i want to be obedient in this way, so that i can glorify God and be satisfied in Him.

seeking to glorify myself has left me woefully unsatisfied.

to turn

2012-02-03T04:07:00.000-08:00

maybe it's because i'm pregnant, maybe it's the Lord, maybe it's whatever fragment of "not-pregnant" Nicole i still maintain somewhere in my brain...however it falls, i have this feeling of being flipped upside down and turned on my head. spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. and, yeah, physically.

so conflicted and desperate, i've not been drawn and quartered this magnificently in quite a while! desires to participate have gobbled up a good portion of my thoughts - participate in church, in people's lives, in prayer. it is so easy to get into Bible Study groups, in church functions, in church activities...but, that's not all that i want. i want people. i want to know people, and i want to be known. i want to be a part of the community, but i am having the hardest time trying to break in... while i want fellowship, i also want pure Scripture to be the driving focus of our conversation. i want to talk about Jesus...but, so far, all attempts have been unsuccessful in gaining the attention of fellow Believers. i am feeling very desperate, and very much on the outside. i want so badly to have friends here in Texas, especially now that i'm pregnant and looking at the world with new eyes - how important it is to be a part of a group of people - people who aren't afraid to open up, encourage, and set me straight. i don't want to be comforted and pitied when i have problems, i want to be brought up by the scruff of my neck and set straight. where do you find people who aren't afraid to tell you Truth? not afraid to buckled down with you and drag you down the right road when you're standing at a fork looking hellish on one angle and heavenly on the other? sometimes i choose the hellish on my own! i need the flock!

i need to pray for Jack. i need him to be covered from day one to day forever. i need support, a network of bold, Christ-centered Christians. O, Lord! O, Lord!

give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! attend to me, and answer me; i am restless in my complaint and i moan! (55)

uuggghhhhh

2011-01-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.

when you were ignorant, when you were still unrepentant and unaware that you were living a life that clashed with the purposeful holiness of the God who created all of us, you were free to do whatever you wanted.

if you choose to obey sin AFTER having received pardon, AFTER receiving unabashed, liberal amounts of grace, what benefit were you THEN deriving from sin that now causes you shame? do you benefit now?

the outcome of those things - of that sin - is death. what good is that?

but now, having been freed from sin and enslaved to God, you derive your benefit, which results in sanctification, and ultimately: eternal life.

your payment for working out sin is death; the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

i would rather work out my salvation with fear and trembling before an Almighty, Holy God who loves me unconditionally, than choose to live a life that cripples me, bringing me lower and farther from my purpose, into a listless, hopeless, and hollow life.

derived from the end of Romans 6.

tron

2010-12-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

last week, someone put the soundtrack for Tron: Legacy into the overhead at work, and i began a nervous twitch; i needed the CD. bad.

yesterday, i agonized over buying the thing because all the other copies had already been sucked up by other employees and customers. only one copy remained, and it was the one we listened to every day. i didn't want to take it out because it was one of the few CD's i think everyone either enjoyed, or felt indifferently about its cyclical play. i opted to snatch it out and buy it at the end of my shift; i couldn't bear to part with such a fabulous album.

when i got home, i plugged it in and listened to it for five hours straight. obsess much? yes!

and then i went with some friends to see the actual film today, and found that i had memorized the entire score, predicting each song as they made their appearance.

NEW FAVORITE FUN MOVIE.

action! fighting! storyline! humorous at times, and totally enjoyable. not to mention pretty - technologically speaking. i like that everyone had glowing clothes. it made me want to live in a weirdly-lighted world, too.

buy the soundtrack, see the movie!

pointless post, but at least it reveals my activities over the last 48 hours.

xoxoxoxo

i like this song

2010-12-16T18:19:00.001-08:00

the hard lessons make the difference.

and the difference makes it worth it.

xoxoxoxo!

just listen for a moment...

2010-12-14T16:05:00.000-08:00

Duly conscious of the solemn obligations of marriage, the bridegroom made the following declaration to his bride: "Be consecrated unto me as my wife according to the laws of Moses and Israel. I will love, honor, and cherish you; I will protect and support you, and I will faithfully care for your needs, as prescribed by Jewish law and tradition." And the bride made the following declaration to the groom: "In accepting the wedding ring, I pledge you all my love and devotion, and I take upon myself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish wife."

-From the Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract

my eyes keep scrolling over those words, the promises made. it's beautiful. the covenant these words form binds a man and woman together before the eyes of witnesses and the wonderful eyes of God.

we are the ones who whisper those words to the Lord when we receive His love, and we communicate our choice to follow Him when we are baptized: "I pledge You all my love and devotion, and I take upon myself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon the one You love."

it's so public, and still so intimate. being baptized and being married are so similar - you are forsaking everything else (baptism) and everyone else (marriage) and plunging headlong into one relationship forever.

baptism is a directly visible, public commitment, expressing your relationship with God: you are a follower, and you are in love with Him, and you want everyone to know and help you along.

as far as relationships on earth go, marriage dimly mirrors the connection between God and His people; it is the best way to illustrate His love for us - the best physical representation. his love is pure, devoted, wholesome, binding, secure, and unwavering. marriage is intended to be that, and, no one can be (or should be) as intimate and knowledgeable of each other as a man and his wife. there are other examples, as a child to a parent, in the sense that God protects us, but a parent could never know their child as well as they know their spouse. eventually, the child becomes his or her own person, and starts another life outside the home.

see His love!!!!

"I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." (Hosea 2:19,20)

betrothal is no small issue of devotion - it's the equivalent of marriage, and in order to break it off, one would need a divorce. it's intention, but beyond intention; it's total abandonment to one person. for example, consider the cross! when God gives Himself, He gives Himself completely; He's always all in or all out.

altogether, His love really does fall all around us in every shape, and in every form, not just in terms of marriage; He relates to everyone in different ways; to a child who never had a good father, He IS that:

"the Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf! just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries His son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place." (Deuteronomy 1:30, 31)

i've never known a love greater than His. He is my Father who carries me, my God who sustains me, my Love who fills my soul to purge the doubt and fear. He uproots filaments that attach me to this world only when i let Him; He woos me, He doesn't force me. but He lets me know through His Word when i'm rejecting His wisdom, when i'm slipping. He has made my heart so tender to His, I find myself giving in to Him over and over again. whatever He wants, eventually i'll let Him have it, if not immediately. He is perfect...and...here it comes!!! i can't keep it in!!!! al;sdkdfhhergoia;lkjagfha;iart;kja!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish we could all remember! remember that God is real, that this life is not a test! that this life - your life, my life - WILL END...and that YES, there is a Creator, and we WILL meet Him face to face!!! and He is INVOLVED and INTERESTED in EVERYTHING!!! if only we could all remember that! it's REAL!!! it's ALL SO REAL!!! we forget so easily - so easily distracted by satan, that loathesome, heartless beast who only cares to use us against the Lord! we make mistakes! SERIOUS mistakes!!! TACTICAL ERRORS!!! how often has the Lord been literally stabbed over and over again with our reckless pursuits of self-centered dreams???

we profess, and then we turn around and make fools of everyone!

i can't even bear it, and i can't stop crying!!! i hate him, i hate satan so much!!!!!!!!! i hate our sin nature, we can be so wretched. so wicked.

BLARCH!!!

this blog is about marriage!!! a marriage between a man and a woman, and a marriage between a holy God and unholy people. He has purified us JUST SO THAT He can be close to us and share an eternity with us! to give us hope! to give us life!!!

but the world - and people poisoned by worldly example and thought - don't see marriage as anything more than a contract you can break if you don't like how it's going! if you see something better, you can break it off, but that defiles what marriage stands for. it hurts so many people, and it hurts its purpose. i am not condemning, and i know quite a few people who are divorced, but that's between them and their ex-spouses...Oh!!! i just want to show that marriage is so sacred, it should not be mocked!!!

and it IS MOCKED when you have sex outside of marriage!!!!!!

but people forget! we forget because sin has twisted and marred the concept of men and women in a committed relationship. it has been rotted by abusive husbands, unfaithful wives, sharp words, and cold, embittered hearts. and, yes!! along the same lines, souls seeking self-fulfillment jump into beds with strangers to slake their hunger for love and acceptance. we eat up the lies like we've never been fed before! Oh, Christians!!! it's a mockery of a relationship intended to protect us and send our hearts spiraling heavenward.

we don't marvel at how God has made us to complement each other with our entire lifetimes. men and women, different creatures, being wrapped and bound together in a promise to love one another fully by conscious choice until their last heartbeat. it's a joke!

it's so so fragile these days for EVERYONE! stop breaking your promises and start living for the Lord! it is SO SWEET to be in fellowship with the Lord, and i PROMISE it is worth EVERY sacrifice you make!

Christian, marry a man or woman devoted to the Lord and you will have the power to work through EVERYTHING. Christian, don't be a fool! devote yourself to a God who is wholly devoted to you! the one seeking to protect you, seeking to make you whole in a right way with Himself and THEN with another person! stop jumping into meaningless relationships! stop! LIVE!!!

this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own body in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the AVENGER in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you! For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. so, he who rejects this is NOT rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you!

there. i started with talking at a moderate, reasonable level, and worked my way up to yelling and crying for the last twenty minutes.

don't forget! don't forget what marriage means! don't forget that it is a mockery to think that you can work your way around the consequences of breaking that covenant by defrauding your brother or sister by sleeping with them! (marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (heb 13:4))you are taking away moments they should be giving to their future spouse - not you! you are stealing what doesn't belong to you, and so are they! no more! drop it! put it down! quit!

stop.

my eyes HURT.

:(

i'm going to throw up now.

ghosts

2010-12-08T07:51:00.001-08:00

i refused to get out of bed this morning because i knew that the second i was, i would be inexplicably drawn to the dishes. and, of course, after prying my face away from the outstretched paws of Kitten Scribble, i numbly thumped across granules of kitty cat litter and plunged my hands into the heap of dirty dishes i put off from last night's dinner.

there, with my hands burning and wrinkling in the soap, i remembered things i'd forgotten. like, how i'd never wanted to be married or domestic (even though secretly i knew that's where i'd happily end up). i used to be in love with the idea of being free to do anything and everything i wanted, and that i never wanted a boy to hold me down. joel doesn't, and he won't, but i think i'm different than i used to be - i have a different mindset, and i only remember that it's changed upon listening to superchick. then, i recall the moments where i was alone and uninhibited. those were the years in oregon. i was done with school, and i could flee to the beach, live with whomever i wanted, read my bible in a sunny park in the middle of summer (and not be scorched), and eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.

to be clear, i'm not blaming joel. i just want to incorporate some of my past fire to break me out of my present coma. lately, each day really has become a shift at work and nothing more. ugh, it makes me sick. i can't escape anywhere, and i'm not standing up for anything. i used to be filled with hope.

last night, joel mentioned buying a house and settling down with children. somewhere permanent. my heart bashed into my brain and i had a mild, cleverly disguised panic attack. i forgot that was part of the deal. i thought i would be ready to consider this. stop and settle down. EW. i like it when other people do, but that means i have to choose ONE place to live! i can't move anymore!!! i can't sample the states anymore! i have to put down roots! i almost want to cry! or break into a run, but i can't because it's ten degrees outside and my lungs will explode!!! i know this sounds totally immature, and should probably go in a journal where no one will see it until i'm dead, but fear is clutching my heart. i can see someone hovering over my unused wings with a pair of scissors.

i'm so mad at myself that i haven't taken advantage of researching, playing, being alive in Christ while married! i did it when i was alone. dang. i feel hard pressed to do something about that NOW. where can i go? i want to go down to riverscape, but joel will be here in a few hours :( i want to write...i have to choose!!! okay, i'll go choose. i'll do something. i'll plan on doing something.

i've been dead and desperate for about two years, i want to be more for the Lord. MUCH more. use what He's given me. such thinking was reawakened when i listened to "hey hey" by superchick. you can listen to it on purevolume.com. while you're at it, listen to the next song, "alive."

xoxoxoxoxo

a minute to think

2010-09-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to stay focused on at least doing the dishes before i go to work, but it's real hard to keep on task! my husband just popped into the house to kiss me and brush his teeth before going into his interview, and may i say...sometimes i can't believe i got so lucky to marry such a good looking man! today he was wearing a tie and looking gorgeous, i didn't want him to step outside! wow. i don't think i've ever really said it out loud, but he often makes my heart stop with just a glance. heart-stopping husband. i don't think i felt this way when we were dating. not as frequent, anyway. could it be a deeper love/appreciation?

hm. the other heart-stopping person in my life is God. lately, i've been remembering Him churning up the universe in the days of creation, gracefully swirling the waters together, making the pitch of space erupt with stars and galaxies. His thoughts and His wisdom sculpting rivers of mountains, spools of clouds, and splashes of flowers. colors, sounds, textures, beauty never before conceived. perfect. all perfect.

"hallelujah" by tenth avenue north came on, and he said:

"at first I am afraid but not because of fear...
but the Holy of Holies is drawing me near;
Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on.

"So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord
Hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne

"Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain..."

he goes on, but for a moment...oh, somehow i can't shake the grip these words have in my chest. they're stuck to my ribs like roots..that you can zoom from God - beautiful outside of space and time - to God being rejected, throttled by sin, and beaten to death by His children.

yes, we were made for Him, to worship Him, to know and love Him, but the the universe is a gift. our relationship with Him is a gift! He put thought into every leaf and every raindrop and every moment we're alive. He didn't have to make you and He didn't have to make me, but He DID because He wanted to delight in our existence. in this perspective, it's easier for me to accept that He loves me, even when i am convinced i am unloveable. He does and He intends to delight in you and i.

so, when we sin against Him in any way, He still loves, and intends to cleanse us. i think it makes Him brim with joy when we turn to Him - even if it's the millionth time - because of the simple fact that we are turning. seeking Him. looking for Him, knowing that He really, genuinely is the only One who can do absolutely anything with our condition.

so, the bridge of the hallelujah song:

You spread Your hands

and made a refuge for the weak

and blessed the weary, bruised, and broken.

took our sin.

inside Your wounds we hide away.

inside Your wounds we hide.

oops, i have to go do dishes!

changed my mind

2010-08-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

how important it is for Christians to know how to live whole lives, holy lives.

naturally, too much favoritism poured into living a certain way can result in a legalistic mindset, but, i think that so little weight is put on us anymore, that lifestyle doesn't matter anymore. it's as though how we live, what we say, what we do isn't a problem as long as we openly confess, "i'm struggling with this or that," but then we keep saying, doing, and living however we want. not always, of course. but, i've registered this as a common thing among Believers.

it's good to be honest, and it's good to struggle, because if you ARE struggling with something, you will need an answer, a friend, a comfort, and be willing to accept advice from Scripture and godly people. no one would know you need help unless you talk about it.

that's how you CEASE struggling. however, if your favorite thing to do is complain about life, whine that God isn't close enough, go on rants that no one understands you and that nobody cares, and not accept assistance, then perhaps you are not really interested in finding God, going deeper, and conquering all your vices. you're not really looking for answers. or maybe you just don't like the answers you're getting.

i speak to myself as much as to anyone else.

walking in the Truth is not easy. it's not always a breezy stroll through a world of wonderful feelings. it's harder than that most of the time, and that's okay. struggles really are good, but only if you're actually fighting them, and not letting them steamroll your faith. there are some things i've never thought to doubt, but there are things i've been curious about, and want to find out why these things are so.

i've realized, though, that when questions about God arise - the basics like, "why does God send people to hell if He's so loving?" come out of brains and mouths because they haven't studied God. or they haven't trusted Him or found Him trustworthy. i've not questioned that aspect of Him, because i have been blessed enough to know Him closely, and i understand His motivations better than to ask that. the answer i would give is only going to sound mechanical to anyone who doesn't know Him closely, and might just bounce off a hardened heart if they're asking the question, anyway.

knowledge - and the regular study - of God is what causes one to live a holy life. because to live like He wants us to, we must know who He is, what He wants...and aren't we happier knowing "why" something is? it comes with knowing God, which leads to loving God.

the regular study and better knowledge is what i am currently after, and i want to put down some things i find out about God that help uncover who He is, because i have let my faith become frail with disuse.

xoxoxoxo

a bit of Romans

2010-07-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

i was prowling around Scriptures when i ran through chapter six and seven of Romans. it was perfect timing! almost every single - and i mean EVERY SINGLE - time i've run across a passage or two in a day, it resurfaces in an unprovoked sermon that day or the following day. Scripture rarely unfolds before my eyes without having some kind of supernatural shove. for instance, most recently, i let the Bible fall open, and i read what lay before me: 1 Corinthians 9:1-5:

"Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Are you not my work in the Lord? If to others I am not an apostle, at least I am to you; for you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord.

"My defense to those who examine me is this: do we not have a right to eat and drink? Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?"

now, as i read this, i just thought, "huh." my mind wasn't really open to anything in particular; i was sort of hunting for a granule of truth for the rest of the day, but i didn't really find anything or "feel" anything that i could use to get me through the next 17 hours. so, i flipped over to 1 Peter and felt obligated to read the introduction written by Johnny Mac. of course, he expounds firstly on the "Author and Date" of the book of 1 Peter. i dutifully marched through, not really certain why. then, i found this quote:

"He was married, and his wife apparently accompanied him in his ministry (Mk 1:29-31; 1Co 9:5)."

i already knew that Peter was married, but sometimes i think the Lord just puts things down in your way to solidify them in your mind for whatever reason. because at that point, it was too crazy to be coincidence that i had just read a passage, and then decided to read 1 Peter's introduction referring me back to the passage i had just read.

even if it's not helpful to me for anything in "real" life, i almost feel like Jesus is letting me know that He's paying attention to me, He goes, "wait, wait, wait! look at this in a different light! how do they know Peter was married? what Scripture do they use to back that up? look at these, Nicole. check it out. let Me show you on our own, and then pull you right back. you'll never look at 1 Corinthians 9 the same way again, because you know that Mark talked about Peter's mother in law. And all the apostles knew Peter's wife because she supported him and traveled with him in ministry. isn't that cool?"

yeah! it IS pretty cool! thanks for noticing me, Jesus! He just wants me to pay attention, so usually it's as simple as, "nicole, honey, read this before you go to work," and when i do, He makes sure that the sermon i listen to on the way to work expounds on it, adds meaning to it. He makes it stick! He is so attentive. it only works this way when i listen, of course. if i say, "eh, i don't want to read anything before work," then i miss out on a little blessing. He's still watching me, He's still close to me, but i'm not in on it like i could be.

so, today, i was flitting around through Romans 6,7, right? oh, it hit me!

it wrapped right around me and eased my worried mind! it screamed, "I WILL FORGIVE YOU EVERY TIME YOU ASK!" and "peace, child!" and "i know what you're thinking. i know what you're going through!" and "i will never tire of you coming to me - ever!" (that part came from a sermon about prayer on GTY.org - johnny mac's latest) and suddenly, i felt useful and understood. the verses are familiar:

"wretched man that i am! who will set me free from the body of this death???"

the commentary is such:

"'wretched man.' in frustration and grief, Paul laments his sin. a believer perceives his own sinfulness in direct proportion to how clearly he sees the holiness of God (YES!) and perfection of His law. 'set me free.' this word means 'to rescue from danger' and was used of a soldier pulling his wounded comrade from the battlefield. Paul longed to be rescued from his sinful flesh."

YES!!! don't you feel like that??? sometimes, don't you just want to SCREAM because you're so trapped inside yourself?? you do the things you don't want to, but sometimes you just give in! you feel helpless!! you cry out and it seems like no one hears you at first?? people all understand this pain, but so does He! sometimes i'm just crying because my sin makes me so miserable. but then, i realize my tears are being directed to the ground, so i lift up my complaint just by turning my face up and crying out, "Lord," and suddenly, i realize He's looking right at me and He knows exactly what i want from Him. forgiveness. and He gives it. and He gives comfort. i am comforted just to know that He sees me. that He's not unaware, not oblivious to my suffering, to the battle raging in my mind and soul. the struggle is so thick, sometimes, and the next chunk of insight really topped it off:

verse, again:

"wretched man that i am! WHO WILL SET ME FREE from the body of this DEATH??"

insight:
"body of...death." the believer's unredeemed humanness, which has its base of operation in the body. Tradition says that an ancient tribe near tarsus tied the corpse of a murder victim to its murderer, allowing its spreading decay to slowly infect and execute the murderer - perhaps that is the image Paul has in mind."

although that's the sickest thing form of punishment (and apt, might i add) i've ever heard of, i feel like that sometimes. i let the infection break through my skin and poison my blood. the Lord has untied me from that body again and again, but i keep finding myself lashing it back on. or, maybe it's not so much that He completely removes it, because we struggle against it all the time, but perhaps there's an (bear with me) inoculation that keeps disease at bay, and slowly makes the corpse of our old self less and less effective, burdensome, and visible. maybe i just refuse to take the medicine sometimes, even though it's sweet relief. all too often, i choose to be stubborn about it, and think my immune system can work me to freedom...even though in my mind and heart, i really really really want the medicine.

heavy sigh. and then there's the last verse in the chapter, right after this one:

"thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin."

and then it leads right into Romans 8. delicious!

"therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh."

He is the One who has saved us, can save us and IS saving us from this body of death! we are rescued daily! shake it off! it's gross! dead bodies are gross! don't wear them, because that's bad for you - take the medicine! haha! i feel better, knowing i have a Savior - a literal Savior. He didn't figuratively die so that i might hypothetically live. He really died so that i can really live. thanks be to God that we have a Redeemer. a Savior. a Rescuer. every time i think of those words, i think of the movie "the Guardian." an excellent film, that when i saw it, all i could say was, "Jesus!" because He went to great, great lengths for me to save me. and you! amen!!!

love you :)

A Morning Note

2010-07-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

i like the way my little pink notebook smells. i was leaning over it to read something out of my Bible, which lay open behind it, and somehow discovered how plastic-y it whiffs. this discovery is probably linked to my childhood obsession with swallowing nickels and chewing on windowsills and eating chapstick and sucking on little brass knobs off of my daybed. just a guess!

last night, i finally assembeled my coffee brewer. setting the timer and adjusting the "delay brew" timer to this morning was almost as exhilerating as becoming a wife. now that i've made my own, very first pot of coffee, i believe i am officially an adult. when i woke up this morning, i caught the wafting scent of boiling coffee grounds and my heart started racing. joel had closed the door last night, but somehow the acidic nature of that delightful beverage punched right through our walls and found my nose.

at 6:30 we had our morning cuddle, and then i woke up at 8!!! i slept in too late! i work at 9:30, and i had hoped that having coffee made for me would be incentive to get up out of bed! i guess it wasn't enough.

i put on my robe, slipped outside our bedroom, flicked on the flourescent lights and jolted to some level of consciousness. my mp3 player was waiting for me, so as i dished up a delicious bowl of yogurt, strawberries, and bananas, i wiggled a sleepy dance to david crowder band "beautiful collision", which really woke up my heart with a spark of love for the Lord.

then, i wiggled over to my table, elizabeth, opened my Bible, and read 1 peter while i nibbled on my assortment of delicious fruit (well, i didn't eat ONE slice of banana because it was much more bruised and squishy than the other pieces!). herein, i learned many wonderful things, which i would like to share later, but i've got to go get ready for work and finish my big blue cup of coffee!

love you.

i'm doing it, too!

2010-01-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

here is my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days!

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/awlear

hahaha!

2009-10-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

i looked up my sign and it made me laugh. it was pretty well spot on, but it really sounds like they're selling a pet!

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/gemini.htm

"Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend.

"If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not want to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected."

my favorite quote is: "Gemini tends to disperse their energy on different tasks and not just focus on one thing thus leaving a trail of unfinished projects in their wake."

Gemini have the ability to react instantly to situations, and as a result, they have a very nervous temperament. They can be compared to a wound up spring as they attempt to absorb everything they can about their surroundings at once. The fact that they enjoy various situations and people add to their nervousness and that means they are almost constantly wound up. However, if they experience boredom and have nothing to survey, they get the same emotions, the need for excitement and variety. This is the Gemini duality, constantly conflicting emotions in one spontaneous, excitable package

names

2009-09-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

i have always loved my name, nicole, and since i'm writing on one of my quick little 15 minute breaks and i already blew half of it, i'm just going to patter out something i was thinking about during our meeting today. please don't be disappointed as i write, because it's going to read cheesy and flat! it already "sounds" like a second grade paper!

nicole means victory of the people and it is rooted in the French language. nicole, french. victory. i come from passionate people: norwegians, germans, italians, and wild native americans (i.e. cherokee), so joel says i'm viking, nazi, mafia, and warrior. killer! i know that's totally stereotypical and not even sensible to link those meanings to those people, but don't you think it means victory? victory! nicole! arrrrhghghah;sdlkjfa;sldhfgha1!!!!

well, ever since i can remember, people have randomly called me michelle. everywhere. people who haven't even seen me, but talk to me on the phone at my job have called me michelle! haha! people who have known me for years have accidentally called me michelle, or at least wanted to! i don't think i really look like a michelle, but today i looked up the meaning and it made my heart flutter; every time they say that, they're saying, "close to God," that's what michelle means.

i love it.

Convicted

2009-07-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

please take the time to watch all of this video. i'm sure everyone has a different response to it, but i couldn't hold back my tears, i couldn't look away from the state of my heart without grieving.

oh, no!

2009-05-02T04:59:00.001-07:00

what??

i thought i had more than three posts here!

i know that every time i sit down to write a post, i'm in a rush to get through it in order to be somewhere else, so maybe that's why i felt like there should've been more?

anyway, it's exactly 8:00am right now and i have been awake for about 15 minutes. it was a late night for me last night: right after work i went to joel's house just as kyle was leaving for bekah's house and momma was headed for a date with sophia. poppa d is in florida for pastor stuff, so the house was just stuffed with joel and his sickness. he's been sick for three days! he's missed two days of school and one day of work...that never happens! whenever i'm sick and dying, he is always healthy and bouncy - even weeks after i've been over my illness, he's still going strong without ever having encountered a chink in his savvy immune system.

honestly, there have been times when we're sitting right next to each other on the couch - i'll just have conquered a virus - and study i'll joel. i'll fold my hands in my lap and peer at him from the corner of my eye while he's zoned into the tv or the computer, and wonder how long the incubation period might be for the little monster that's inevitably wriggled its way into his body. surely he'll be showing signs of the flu, or some itty bitty snicket of a lung-rattling hack, but no. he never ever ever gets sick. i could have snot pouring out of my face for days, and be coughing up blood...he'll kiss me! he'll kiss me when i have a fever! NOTHING! nothing!

it baffles me to no end! he doesn't even take vitamins!!? i have two sour gummy vitamins a day (finding nemo ones and superhero ones) and a glass of vitamin c every morning. i drink about 3 green tea drinks a day. it doesn't seem to help me at all...although i suppose perhaps it has saved my life, since i get sick so often, but have not yet died? maybe those vitamins are keeping me from total destruction, and only stave off the possibility of a life-sucking plague while rolling over at the feet of bacterial and viral infections.

anyway, he's finally sick and i wish he weren't. it bothers me all day. i want to bring him water and make his tummy stop hurting and give him headache medicine, but he just wants to sleep. i try to let him sleep, but also, i just want to play, and he's too dead to play. he's lifeless. sapped. withered away and he hadn't showered until late last night, so his hair was sticking out and lumpy all over...and his eyes were quite glassy. from what i can tell, he's feeling better. but whenever i ask him, he says just a little bit. i, however, believe he is a lot bit better, but he just hasn't embraced that the worst of it is probably quite over. i think men wait until they're bouncing off the walls again before they're able to admit that they're not as sick as they were a few days previously. he's definitely not there, yet!

anyway, i came over and everyone left except my half-dead boyfriend, and we snuggled on the couch for a little bit, watching espn, talking and resting. i was waiting for robin to call me when she got to red roof inn. she called around 7:20 and said she and percy had made it safely in. there was much rejoicing and with much deliberation, joel and i finally decided that we would drive to go pick up chipotle for all three of us, joel would meet (and i said, "and maybe come in and eat dinner together with") robin at her hotel and then he would go write his paper and return to nab me from robin's room when he was finished. we got chipotle and joel seemed to be just fine. we pulled up to robin's room and he just sat there, buckled, and looking at me while rummy (his car) puttered and chugged beneath us in park position. i said, "you're dropping me off?" he said, "well, yeah.."
"i thought you were coming in to at least meet robin? i thought we were going to eat together?"
he looked at me.
"can't you at least come over and meet her? yes, yes you can. you don't even have to go inside - i thought that was the plan?"
i guess i was wrong, but he did come and meet her, which made robin very happy. she was so cute! i love robin! joel went home to work on his paper and i listened to robin's adventures over the last 6 months or so, and was entirely enraptured. she had me captivated for three hours! every time she tried to throw the ball back to me, i tossed it right back because even the exciting things that have happened to me are boring. robin can make the most ordinary things sound like indiana jones wrote the script.

her cat, percy prowled around, licking our food and hunched in a chair, mostly glaring at things. and the tv whizzed and cheered with nascar for most of our conversation.

joel came and got me around 11 and i think i'll have a chance to say goodbye to robin this morning. but last night, joel finally let me do one of his english assignments while he went upstairs to take a shower. momma came home and disclosed all the wondrous events that had unfolded in her magnificent date with sophia, and kyle slumped in, having just watched x-men. ARGH! i wanted to see that movie!

i lay down with my lovely, dying boyfriend while he fell asleep and then went downstairs to watch tv with kyle. kyle cracks me up - i really like hanging out with him. we watched everything from underworld to jimmy kimmel until 2:15. then i went to bed in joel's room. he was sleeping in the office (there's a twin in there, and he likes that bed much better than the bed he has in his room...he's so silly! i like him a lot!). i fell asleep about 2:30 (put new sheets on bed so as not to get sick) and woke up at 7:45. yay!

ugh i think i'll go back to bed.

jibbah jabbah

2009-04-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

it's so hot today! i'm really sticky. elly said that the temp outside was close to 90 degrees, but joel checked his g1 and said it's 84 degrees. well, i'm right. i just stepped outside and my body guaged the heat to round up somewhere close to 100.9.

momma d and i are about to go shopping for burgers and brats and hot dog buns for a cookout. she asked poppa d if he could grill tonight, but he just said no. then joel said no. and then when she asked kyle, i'm not sure what he said, although it could have been yes, since he got really excited about brats.

i'm talking about stuff that doesn't really matter because i have a feeling that at any moment, momma d might be done puttering in the kitchen and doing the dishes and leave for the grocery store without me! type faster! let's see....

this morning, as i was driving down the damon's street, i was speeding. going about 35 in a 25 mph zone...i've gotten a ticket down this street before - and let me just say that it was a better cop experience than the last one i had in oregon! (the one where i wasn't doing anything wrong and the cop pulled me over for no apparent reason! then he found out i didn't have my license with me...and then he yelled at me and said he would take my car away if i tried to drive it again without a license with me). anyway, down this street, there usually are cops, but they pick on you only on certain times of the day, and i didn't suppose this was one of them. i wasn't paying attention.

suddenly, i noticed two cars chugging along slowly on the opposite lane, floating by me bumper to bumper. the second car was a clunky old lincoln. i peered through the front windshield, trying to catch a glimpse of the driver, who seemed to be motioning something at me. i could barely see a white, fuzzy little head perched over the steering wheel. two knobby old hands were waving in a semi-frantic warning to slow down. a little old man was telling me to pay attention to the cop sidled up along the road behind them! he was parked, lying in wait for drivers like me - but a tiny, wrinkled stranger saved my life! i didn't get a ticket!

ah, i have to go!

love.

jelly beans!

2009-04-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

nothing spectacular happened to-day.

i slept in too late, finished a movie i was watching last night, went shopping at target for food and clothes, lifted weights a bit, talked with mum and buttercup (becca :), took a shower, tidied up my house, bought too many things at borders (a book about the ocean was one item; i had to add it to my collection because i've been pining for the sea all day!), and now i'm at the damon's, having been stuffed to the brim with taco bell.

poppa d is in the dining room on his computer, smacking on something while he does pastorly things, and momma d is on the phone with grandad, catching up. when joel gets home, we're going to go to the store to get some nummy candies! then we'll come back home and watch fool's gold! i've already seen it, but i really really want to see it again! i saw it with mum and dad around my birthday last year - that's why i liked it so much; we saw it in the heavenly house they rent in san jose. mmmm!!!

oh! joel's back! we have to go get candy! i'll write a lovely piece about what i learned in the Bible today. i spent just enough time to catch on something beautiful. love love love!

little bit late tonight

2009-04-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

all day today i thought about starting a blog - i've been toddling around with the thought of cancelling my facebook/myspace just because i don't have very much time in my hands to consistently check in on it.

blogs are nice because you can spit out some words and they'll stick to the internet - no one has to be your friend to see them! no obligations, just little parts of my thoughts scrawled into life on the web.

i like blogging because not only is it a "say it when you want to, when you have the time," without all the distractions of an ad-cluttered "friend-place," but after a long day of work, i like to spread out all my collected wonderings and look at them. and let other people look at them! i like input, advice, and opinions.

one last lovely catalyst has spun me in this direction, and that is my new job. in it, everything i type down must be abbreviated, and i'm terrified of forgetting how to spell a whole word - whether it be involuntary or determined by the power of my will. for instance: i've worked at this new place of employment for approximately three days where typing was involved. in those three short days, i have already trained myself to think like this:

1 lst lvly ctlyst hs spn me in ths drctn; tht is my nw jb. evrthng i wrt mst be abb, and im trfd of frgtng hw to spll (wll cll spll...i think like this, now! it saddens me greatly) a whl wrd - wthr it b invlntry or dtrmnd by the pwr of my wll....

oh, it's horrific! i am not a fan! i like it, to some degree, but i LOVE whole words! no offense, short words, but i LOVE a word as it stands - vowels and everything! i'm determined to keep from falling into this pit of lopping out beautiful, vital sounds; my typing time won't slow down, either. i have decided these things: to maintain the integrity of my vocabulary by honoring their entire state of lettering, and also continue typing a lot faster than i do at work. i don't want to be a slowpoke writer!

see, now. i am quite happy to have this blog going. i feel better already; my spelling is no longer in jeapordy, and i have some place to spew when i need to.

THANK YOU FOR THE EASTER BASKET, MOM AND DAD!!!!!!!!!!!

i ate a bunch of jelly beans before i had mac and cheese and peas, tonight! i'm about to sink my teeth into the chocolate easter bunny :) i wish i could give you guys the ears!

when the ups man came today to make the final attempt to drop off your package to me, i had surprised him by leaving a note at the bottom of my door with my signature on it. he, in turn, graciously gifted me with the brown box filled with treats from you both :) the one thing that threw me off guard was the fact that he had lain my bright blue lawn chair across the top of it, guarding it from potential thieves, i suppose. however, if i were a thief and spotted a bright blue lawn chair crookedly propped up against the metal bottom of a door, i might inspect it further, and decide to take the present AND the chair.

although, maybe it was a very wise attempt to disguise the box, making it look junky, because that was the second thought that popcorned in my brain: i'm such a messy homeowner! i'm becoming one of those people who throw garbage out their windows into the trees outside - one of those who let grass and trees root themselves in their rusted, downtrodden tomato trucks! (or worse: couches and mattresses!) so, if that were the case, i suppose i would not have investigated the box, because it just looked peculiar in its sloppiness.

oh, man. i gotta go away from this screen now. LOVE YOU.