animal encounters of the worst kind

THIS JUST IN:

a tyrannical hornet is nesting its stupid self on our back porch wall. it's an assassin - an UGLY kind with a big fat triangle face and huge stupid antlers that look so ridiculous on its fugly head. i hope it gets struck down by a righteous bird of justice.

it's misshapen and horrible and arrogant, sitting perched like it owns everything its weird bubbly eyes see. scouring the landscape, it snivels and simpers and rubs its deformed claws together, plotting and drooling over its next victim: me.

so...the cats scamper outside because i've opened the door to spray varnish over some paintings, and i notice it clipped to the wall with its hideous tentacle legs after i've already deposited my paintings and varnish - i slowly back away because its twitching, following my movements. it can see me and it's watching me.

i back inside the house and carefully slide the door shut. scribble has escaped, and is frolicking after a pack of butterflies fluttering around on the porch. i think to rescue her, but i'd really rather get my aerosol cans out of the 129074129387293587 degree weather before they explode.

i crouch back outside and snatch them away, and even though they are planted right beneath the watchful eye of the revolting beast, the monster remains on the wall, spasmodically shuddering while it turns to follow my movements.

stupid shrimp bug. I CRUSH YOU.

then i varnished my paintings out front. the cats were being dumb outisde, so i decided they ought to come inside; its too hot!

i ushered ninnymuggins inside because her pitiful face was already mashed up against the glass, and then grappled with scribble, trying to be quick (although, apparently i was moving too quickly) WHEN THE MONSTROUS DEMON LAUNCHED OFF THE WALL HISSING AND BUZZING UNTIL IT SMASHED INTO MY HAIR - STINGER FIRST. I FLUNG SCRIBBLE AROUND, SHAKING MY HEAD, TRYING TO GET THE SCUM OF SATAN'S REVOLTING BUTT OUT OF MY FREAKING HAIR. I SWIRLED INSIDE, SWINGING THE CAT SO SHE FLEW OUT OF MY ARMS AND I SLAMMED THE GLASS DOOR WITH MY HEART IN MY THROAT.

and the cats both lay on the ground, flattened out and staring at me like this:

and i scrambled around looking for weapons - flamethrowers, machetes, grenades, rocket launchers...ANYTHING TO WIPE THAT MILK LIVERED MAGGOT PIE OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!

but, all i found were jack's toys neatly piled up on the ground, so i've hucked a couple of blocks and hit him once. his grotesque visage is angled toward the door at all times, but now he's trampling around my doorframe, trying TO GET INSIDE!!!! WAYWARD RUMP-FED MEASLE. (thank you, olde english)

as soon as he backs away far enough, i'm going to scramble his useless brains with tile scrubber chemicals.

DEVIL.