when you are pregnant, you fear for the baby in your belly. you don't want a miscarriage, you don't want a car wreck. you don't want to get mugged or raped or attacked in any way, because you want your baby safe. the feeling is primal and intense. for me, it was vicious. i was very protective of jack.
i was ready to lay down my life for jack. i was ready to die for him before he was anything more than a slightly swollen bump in my belly. but my greatest fear was that, if something happened to me, the paramedics and doctors might not care so much for my baby. i know that life can't be supported outside of a human body from, say, 18 weeks. but, i know that there are instances where a baby 22 weeks can be saved and kept alive. no matter what phase of my pregnancy, the same emergency thought was always running through my head, "save my baby." i tried to think it enough so that no matter my condition, i could repeat those words if they were needed - that they would be as natural as blinking or breathing. i am not lying; this is a true statement.
new life is so valuable. children are incredibly precious, irreplaceable, and desirable. i have such an intense desire to see innocent, fresh life to be protected and saved from harm...it is not hard for me to imagine how the Lord must feel about us. humans.
if i can weep over the face of a 7 month old baby struggling to live every day, and i don't even know him...i know that the Master, who knows him, is weeping, too.
i have difficulty these days with suffering. particularly with children - both born and unborn. i don't know why we are so anxious to be rid of them. i don't understand how we are so quick to strip them of their right to live, when we are standing over them, ourselves very much alive. i don't get it. even a little life here on earth can make a huge difference - can make a beautiful impact.
i am a better wife. a good mother. a more deeply devoted follower of Christ. a more sensitive woman. a more loving daughter.
only because jack has been influencing me for the last 20 months of his life.
he has only been living outside of my body for 10 months. that's as long as i've had him to nurse, to kiss, to hold, to comfort, to swaddle, to change his diaper, to rub lotion on his knees, to smooth his hair, to give him baths, to make him laugh, to simply lay my eyes on him.
but he was always jack. he was jack the moment he was conceived. that was him. and he had a safe place in me to grow. it was not his "fault" that he was conceived; children are a natural part of sex - they would never come to be without it, in fact. children don't just happen by some weird chance event. the only way they occur is through a human sperm and human egg meeting, and they only grow inside a human woman's womb. there is no better environment. it's a good thing. it was meant to be good. in a way, they are at our mercy from beginning to end - from conception to birth.
anyway, having a baby...it's frightening. i'll talk all about that some other time! but this is what i had to say:
blastocysts, embryos, fetuses, babies, children, and everything that follows (adolescents, teenagers, young adults, adults, middle-aged adults, seniors, really seniors) are supremely valuable.
we are beloved from our first sign of life to our last.
i grew up in a house full of tinies and then i worked with them in college and freaking LOVED those kids. i was very excited to have a baby brother 10 years younger than me to look after. kids are very natural to me. i always knew i'd be a mom but most just look at them and think, "what do i do with you?" it's always been so very weird to me. it's cultural. and sad. and then we are so far removed from loving them that they're not 'real' in the womb??? what??? they are the Lord's! many talk over them as if they're not there! they get that squeaky high-pitched voice when they walk up with a toy. very unnatural. they're huuuumans. not aliens. and they're precious. they, too, were bought with the blood of Christ and created by the Almighty God.
ReplyDeletehonestly, i just wait for this moment. for my loved ones to realize how amazing babies are! most of the time it happens when peeps get pregnant so i've learned to have patience and grace and then CELEBRATE with them. ha. it's a struggle for me not to force pregnancy on people like with you guys, initially...i'm very lucky it happened sooner than later! i mean, you sat at our table and announced your 5 year plan for kids. of course my heart sank, for selfish reasons, i wanted a mom friend! ha. but you were pregnant and didn't know it! so, yeah, His timing is everything as well. and labor and delivery. to me, everything baby IS HIS! His plan, His timing, His mercy, His justice. everything about life points to Him, of course! it's glorious! and it DOES NOT take being a mom to realize this. it just takes a true love for the Lord to see value in those babes. we need more true lovers.
i love your heart!