to turn

maybe it's because i'm pregnant, maybe it's the Lord, maybe it's whatever fragment of "not-pregnant" Nicole i still maintain somewhere in my brain...however it falls, i have this feeling of being flipped upside down and turned on my head. spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. and, yeah, physically.

so conflicted and desperate, i've not been drawn and quartered this magnificently in quite a while! desires to participate have gobbled up a good portion of my thoughts - participate in church, in people's lives, in prayer. it is so easy to get into Bible Study groups, in church functions, in church activities...but, that's not all that i want. i want people. i want to know people, and i want to be known. i want to be a part of the community, but i am having the hardest time trying to break in... while i want fellowship, i also want pure Scripture to be the driving focus of our conversation. i want to talk about Jesus...but, so far, all attempts have been unsuccessful in gaining the attention of fellow Believers. i am feeling very desperate, and very much on the outside. i want so badly to have friends here in Texas, especially now that i'm pregnant and looking at the world with new eyes - how important it is to be a part of a group of people - people who aren't afraid to open up, encourage, and set me straight. i don't want to be comforted and pitied when i have problems, i want to be brought up by the scruff of my neck and set straight. where do you find people who aren't afraid to tell you Truth? not afraid to buckled down with you and drag you down the right road when you're standing at a fork looking hellish on one angle and heavenly on the other? sometimes i choose the hellish on my own! i need the flock!

i need to pray for Jack. i need him to be covered from day one to day forever. i need support, a network of bold, Christ-centered Christians. O, Lord! O, Lord!

give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! attend to me, and answer me; i am restless in my complaint and i moan! (55)