important

i hope to take this up again later today, but just now, i read 1 corinthians 10:31, and was reminded of something.

naturally, as i read, my eyes have been trained to read an appointed, recommended verse, and then sift through the verses around it - starting before and after a paragraph, if it is one. and it usually is. :) most of us know this verse:

"so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

i came here because John Piper suggested his catch phrase - one i heartily adhere to as a genuine truth. he said, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." yes. yes, and satisfaction comes from steeping your heart in Scripture, and being obedient, among other things.

as my eyes trickled upward, i spotted, "'all things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'all things are lawful,' but not all things build up. let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."

last night, i bemoaned my two-facedness to joel. i have not always sought the good of my neighbor. i have not avoided things i know that cause others to stumble. i have not always spoken well, and my tongue has proven to be more than poisonous, more than deadly. hacked people to pieces, i have. with cynicism. and skepticism. and judgment.

i want my words to be helpful. i want them to build up - whoever i am talking to or about. i want to keep my tongue from causing others to stumble. i want to seek the good of my neighbor. i want to be obedient in this way, so that i can glorify God and be satisfied in Him.

seeking to glorify myself has left me woefully unsatisfied.

to turn

maybe it's because i'm pregnant, maybe it's the Lord, maybe it's whatever fragment of "not-pregnant" Nicole i still maintain somewhere in my brain...however it falls, i have this feeling of being flipped upside down and turned on my head. spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. and, yeah, physically.

so conflicted and desperate, i've not been drawn and quartered this magnificently in quite a while! desires to participate have gobbled up a good portion of my thoughts - participate in church, in people's lives, in prayer. it is so easy to get into Bible Study groups, in church functions, in church activities...but, that's not all that i want. i want people. i want to know people, and i want to be known. i want to be a part of the community, but i am having the hardest time trying to break in... while i want fellowship, i also want pure Scripture to be the driving focus of our conversation. i want to talk about Jesus...but, so far, all attempts have been unsuccessful in gaining the attention of fellow Believers. i am feeling very desperate, and very much on the outside. i want so badly to have friends here in Texas, especially now that i'm pregnant and looking at the world with new eyes - how important it is to be a part of a group of people - people who aren't afraid to open up, encourage, and set me straight. i don't want to be comforted and pitied when i have problems, i want to be brought up by the scruff of my neck and set straight. where do you find people who aren't afraid to tell you Truth? not afraid to buckled down with you and drag you down the right road when you're standing at a fork looking hellish on one angle and heavenly on the other? sometimes i choose the hellish on my own! i need the flock!

i need to pray for Jack. i need him to be covered from day one to day forever. i need support, a network of bold, Christ-centered Christians. O, Lord! O, Lord!

give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! attend to me, and answer me; i am restless in my complaint and i moan! (55)