today might possibly be one of the worst days of my life.
no. actually, no, it's not. but, it turned terrible. jack is fussy and mad all day long. today, i tried to put him down for a nap, but he screamed bloody murder for an hour, making me want to fall on the floor and cry, or just leave him to cry on his own. i did neither. he's teething, i'm spacing out his feeding, and he suddenly hates his room. awesome!
i opened my Bible for encouragement. i thought, "a psalm! psalms might be nice!" i wound up in luke reading about end times and then found my way to nahum. i'm going to keep reading, but in my "journaling Bible", the intro to nahum says this:
"when Jonah preached repentance on the streets of Nineveh, the capital of Assyria, the people responded and were spared. a century later, sometime between 663 and 612 b.c., Nahum preached in a time when Nineveh would not repent...the Assyrians were notorious for the brutality of their treatment of other nations. Nahum declared, however, that God is sovereign: He punishes whom He will, and they are powerless to stop Him." (emphasis mine)
and then the book of nahum begins:
"the Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful; the Lord takes vengeance on His adversaries and keeps wrath for His enemies. the Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will by no means clear the guilty. His way is in whirwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of His feet." (1:1-2)
as a proclamation on the Assyrians, that sounds good to me. what i took away from this (and still am, as i read on), is the notion that we are powerless before God. His way is in whirlwind. He will by no means clear the guilty. He is avenging and wrathful. He redeemed Nineveh once before, but in 100 years, they fell into their old ways. they didn't want any part of God's mercy, so they continued to ruin other people and their nations. they became bullies. God doesn't like bullies - especially after He gives them chances to quit being jerks. they could've had grace, and God is slow to anger, but He is also great in power.
i can appreciate the violence of the images, suddenly quelled with pictures of serenity - the juxtaposition of the two is lovely; it reminds me that when someone asks, "is God wrathful and avenging, or is He loving and good?", i can say, "yes!". He is all of the above. He is one and the same. He is both simultaneously, unlike the creatures He made who can only be one or the other in the same second.
"who can stand before His indignation? who can endure the heat of His anger? His wrath is poured out like fire, and the rocks are broken into pieces by Him. The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him." (1:6-7)
i think i needed Nahum because...it forces me to step outside of myself for a minute. look up, look out. stop. because, i am a mess. a mess! a disaster! emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and probably even physically. i'm walking forward through life, but i can look back and see my path scattered with my dislodged fingers, arms, bits of my legs - i'm falling apart while i go! i need someone to put me back together, again. it's not trouble in the sense that i'm being tortured or my family is being torn apart, or we lost all our money and jobs...it's just...inner turmoil. it's trouble, to me, and since the Lord is good, i'm going to use Him as a stronghold in this day of trouble. He knows me, because i take refuge in Him.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
politics
yes, yes...politics. strictly my opinion, my views, my voice. every time i sit down to write something, i am figuratively biting my fingernails because i think, "someone's going to hate this..." so, i'm truly sorry if i step on someone's toes.
that said, i think everyone should be more involved in our nation's political scene. even if it's just a little bit.
i think we've all been told that our vote doesn't matter. and we're all either cynics or sheep. we don't want to choose sides, so we don't vote on the presidential elections.
it's true that electoral votes are what truly count during those runs, but, popular vote is important, too. for me, it helps me to see that our current president did not win by a landslide, and that he is not what we all wanted. our nation is divided in what it wants. obama won with 50.5% popular vote. that's only half of the people who voted. everyone else was independent or romney (48%).
your vote matters in the election, but only if you've been voting locally. that's what i figured out this year. you put the people you want who vote for you during the elections.
this is just a short blurb, but i have to say a couple more things.
politics can be extremely overwhelming, and they never fail to push buttons on anyone who attempts to step into the ring. this is the way it has to be - everyone involved is intense! they are ambitious, they are full of ideas and dreams - the public figures who fall into official positions need to be passionate. our country is run by a government of passionate people, which is the makeup of almost every leader - they need a cause, and they need to get fired up about it, and it needs to be contagious.
so, it can be scary when you think about politics. all of it revolves around history, too. what happened in America, what happens all around the world - it touches on the rise and fall of many governments. it is also a visionary realm - the future is always at stake and in mind.
as a Christian, should you be involved? i say yes. i say, stop talking about how your vote doesn't matter and do something. i say, stop telling everyone that God is in control and then sit back to twiddle your thumbs and let history unfurl on its own. if you want your groceries purchased or your floor swept, do you pray for the groceries to come to you, or the broom to take care of the dust? no, get out and shop; get up and sweep. pray while you do it! if you want change, if you want reform, vote, and pray while you do it. pray for who's in charge now, but you're not playing your part by not contributing. as a Christian, you are defined by hope - hope in Christ and no other, hope in the future, hope in life, hope! it's what sets us apart! the biggest complaint i've heard from Christians is, "why should i? nothing matters. i don't matter." that sounds like sniveling to me. you are jaded and cynical! that's not hope! act in faith, i say!
on the same token, i don't think politics should ever become an idol. don't be obsessed. don't be demeaning. don't be stressed. if it does become a raging battle between you and the world, take a step back and reassess it with insight from Scripture.
every time i look around at what's happening in the world of politics - and, what's happening to Israel - and start to freak out, the only way to keep my heart from hammering through my ribs is to compare what i see with what Scripture has to say. get the big picture! Isaiah is masterful at grappling with the Lord over His identity, and stepping onto a firm understanding of the future, of time!
but, i figure, since we are here. since we live in one of the only countries that has a free society, we should educate ourselves and take action. that's why i'm proud of the states who have tried to nab the president's attention with more than 111,000 signatures to petition a secession from the united states. just to say, "we're not happy with our federal government." i think it's a good thing. we've all been conditioned to believe that this sort of behavior is outlandish and childish, but it's not. aren't we a people's democracy? the government has gotten so big, it's hard to communicate in other ways. we need petitions to make our voices bigger.
just as a sidenote, i personally, i think it would be a bad move - it might be fun for a little while, but it's dangerous in these times. but i love that we are trying to exercise our freedoms. i think we've been stamped out, pushed down...and not just by the big leaders! by each other! Americans hate Americans almost as much as everyone else does. always bowing and apologizing and demeaning ourselves. i don't think we ought to be stuck up and proud, but i think we should just live! just accept that we are Americans and we're not perfect, but we are people who live in the united states! i don't know of any other country that's ashamed to hail from their own nation. it's pathetic. i know we have glaring flaws, but we can't keep putting ourselves down! what failing student ever did well in school because he kept telling himself he was terrible, ignorant, and a bad person?? he needs support, encouragement! not to be battered by his teachers, peers and self! who do we think we're kidding, tearing ourselves apart with cruel, belittling words?
anyway. that's all for today.
that said, i think everyone should be more involved in our nation's political scene. even if it's just a little bit.
i think we've all been told that our vote doesn't matter. and we're all either cynics or sheep. we don't want to choose sides, so we don't vote on the presidential elections.
it's true that electoral votes are what truly count during those runs, but, popular vote is important, too. for me, it helps me to see that our current president did not win by a landslide, and that he is not what we all wanted. our nation is divided in what it wants. obama won with 50.5% popular vote. that's only half of the people who voted. everyone else was independent or romney (48%).
your vote matters in the election, but only if you've been voting locally. that's what i figured out this year. you put the people you want who vote for you during the elections.
this is just a short blurb, but i have to say a couple more things.
politics can be extremely overwhelming, and they never fail to push buttons on anyone who attempts to step into the ring. this is the way it has to be - everyone involved is intense! they are ambitious, they are full of ideas and dreams - the public figures who fall into official positions need to be passionate. our country is run by a government of passionate people, which is the makeup of almost every leader - they need a cause, and they need to get fired up about it, and it needs to be contagious.
so, it can be scary when you think about politics. all of it revolves around history, too. what happened in America, what happens all around the world - it touches on the rise and fall of many governments. it is also a visionary realm - the future is always at stake and in mind.
as a Christian, should you be involved? i say yes. i say, stop talking about how your vote doesn't matter and do something. i say, stop telling everyone that God is in control and then sit back to twiddle your thumbs and let history unfurl on its own. if you want your groceries purchased or your floor swept, do you pray for the groceries to come to you, or the broom to take care of the dust? no, get out and shop; get up and sweep. pray while you do it! if you want change, if you want reform, vote, and pray while you do it. pray for who's in charge now, but you're not playing your part by not contributing. as a Christian, you are defined by hope - hope in Christ and no other, hope in the future, hope in life, hope! it's what sets us apart! the biggest complaint i've heard from Christians is, "why should i? nothing matters. i don't matter." that sounds like sniveling to me. you are jaded and cynical! that's not hope! act in faith, i say!
on the same token, i don't think politics should ever become an idol. don't be obsessed. don't be demeaning. don't be stressed. if it does become a raging battle between you and the world, take a step back and reassess it with insight from Scripture.
every time i look around at what's happening in the world of politics - and, what's happening to Israel - and start to freak out, the only way to keep my heart from hammering through my ribs is to compare what i see with what Scripture has to say. get the big picture! Isaiah is masterful at grappling with the Lord over His identity, and stepping onto a firm understanding of the future, of time!
but, i figure, since we are here. since we live in one of the only countries that has a free society, we should educate ourselves and take action. that's why i'm proud of the states who have tried to nab the president's attention with more than 111,000 signatures to petition a secession from the united states. just to say, "we're not happy with our federal government." i think it's a good thing. we've all been conditioned to believe that this sort of behavior is outlandish and childish, but it's not. aren't we a people's democracy? the government has gotten so big, it's hard to communicate in other ways. we need petitions to make our voices bigger.
just as a sidenote, i personally, i think it would be a bad move - it might be fun for a little while, but it's dangerous in these times. but i love that we are trying to exercise our freedoms. i think we've been stamped out, pushed down...and not just by the big leaders! by each other! Americans hate Americans almost as much as everyone else does. always bowing and apologizing and demeaning ourselves. i don't think we ought to be stuck up and proud, but i think we should just live! just accept that we are Americans and we're not perfect, but we are people who live in the united states! i don't know of any other country that's ashamed to hail from their own nation. it's pathetic. i know we have glaring flaws, but we can't keep putting ourselves down! what failing student ever did well in school because he kept telling himself he was terrible, ignorant, and a bad person?? he needs support, encouragement! not to be battered by his teachers, peers and self! who do we think we're kidding, tearing ourselves apart with cruel, belittling words?
anyway. that's all for today.
Monday, September 24, 2012
babies...yeah, i love babies.
i'm not really sure how to express this; my arsenal of words is so limited these days! i feel like i haven't used my brain in 4 billion years. muster through this with me, despite my lack of eloquence! it's all my opinion, what you shall read below - the way i see things. i'm afraid to post my thoughts on facebook, because more often than not, voicing your opinion stirs up more dust than i'm willing to sweep, and i just want to pour it all out somewhere to perhaps be read by someone, if they feel like it. what i write isn't the gospel.
so, what's up?
well, jack is basically the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever (aside from salvation and jole, naturally).
he is THE cutest baby. he is MY baby. he is the BEST BABY EVER.
his fussiness is the best. his serious faces are my favorite. i love all his little noises and his big noises. his kicks are funny, his cries are heartbreaking, his expressions are priceless! i am in love! all i can do is swoon and kiss him and smile at him! all the time!
and this is what i think: why was i so opposed to babies before jack? why didn't i want one? why did i cringe at the thought of having one, let alone touching one? i have been babysitting since the beginning of time, and teaming that with the fact that i've worked in schools and daycares and sunday school nurseries, you could say that i've been dealing with children for two solid decades...and all that time, i never saw anything sooo special that i thought, "dang, i need to get me one of these!"
my reasons were as follows: once you're a parent, you can NEVER STOP being a parent. such a notion is extremely daunting to me; having never desired living in a place for more than 2 years, and getting restless enough to move from state to state between each jaunt..."long-term" really didn't hold much appeal for me. getting married wasn't so bad, though...i didn't want a boyfriend for a long time, and i didn't meet any boys who struck my fancy until jole. when i saw him, it was over. that was the first "long-term" commitment i ever made. i gotta say, he was and is the best choice. perfect for me. he fits snugly in my heart, conformed to me like memory foam.
so, nope. didn't want to be responsible for another life. didn't want to deal with heartache or sorrow or disappointment or being "needed" all the time. didn't want to be a "mom", didn't really understood what that entailed, even though i had the most amazing mom in the world, who demonstrated how wonderful mommyness could be for everyone involved!
along with fear of commitment, jole and i wanted time to ourselves - to get situated in OUR relationship before introducing anyone else to it; we wanted to be alone and have the freedom to travel and move and do whatever we wanted without being tied down. we wanted to space them out to about a 5 years into our marriage, because we know our lives as we knew them would be "over".
could you imagine ever saying something like that to someone who really wanted children, but couldn't have them? could you say, "we just don't want them. they'll cramp our style. they'll get in the way. always having to think of how to care for them. all the poop and puke and snot and teething and toddler tantrums and teenage, hormonal meltdowns."
sure that stuff is hard, but how does that NOT sound selfish? weren't we children once? didn't our parents face the same requirement to lay their own lives down to raise all of us? some parents took the challenge and met it, sacrificing so much to give their children everything they could - and couldn't! - but others kept that mentality that children are nothing more than inconvenient, and marched on, doing what they wanted without thinking how it would affect their children. that's good parenting and bad parenting - ones who are humbled and ones who are egocentric.
marrying joel showed me how selfish i was as a single person. having jack blew that initial notion of selfishness out of the water. i was - AM - very self-absorbed. i am learning how NOT to be, but only by the grace of God. i mean that - it is by God's grace that i am learning how to parent jack and be a wife to joel with a babe in arms.
and...see this clearly: laying myself down, learning jack, learning ways to love joel, learning ways to continue my relationship with God, has been the greatest adventure i have EVER experienced.
it was not my choice to have jack, but i am so so so grateful for him, and i would have a hundred more babies just because of him.
i get to pray over him every night while he squirms and growls and burbles; i thank God with so many tears that He saw fit to let me take care of Jack while i'm alive here on earth! i get to hold his little hands and kiss his cheeks anytime i want. i get to raise him. i get to love him for the rest of my life. i get to show him Jesus and show him what a wonderful God and wonderful Savior Christ Jesus is for me, and can be for him. i get to be there for every phase of his life; i get to spend myself in the night, bent over him while he nurses at 3am, and i get to hold him when he's crying as much as when he's cooing.
i get to be a haven for him, a safe place - for the rest of his life until he meets his wife.
i don't mind the work. i love it. it's hard, but it's also so very easy. greatly in part because i have such a loving, tender husband to help with the rough spots.
in ways, i can see why people say they don't want children...because i felt that way once. i probably would have continued pushing the "deadline" for having babies until it was too late. but, i'm not going to lie...fertile, married, stable couples opting not to have children doesn't make sense to me - probably because i'm now on the "parent" side of things. i don't feel pity for childless couples - there isn't any sorrow or thoughts of, "well, they're missing out!" all i know is that i feel fuller and more joyful than i ever have in my entire life. sometimes, i feel like i've just run into a wall of "giddy" when i look at jack and a slow smile spreads across his huge cheeks. i never loved a baby the way i love jack. it is whole. i feel whole, even though i didn't feel "half" before. strange. wonderful! one thing i'm certain of is...couples (me and joel included) who don't want children only feel that way for selfish reasons, because since i've had jack, i realize all i do is "give" and "give up"...but, i don't care! i think when you're looking at it from the outside, you DO care. you don't see how you CAN'T care. they don't want the stigma of being parents. hey, i didn't want to smell like baby, but i am proud to wear his perfume these days! lol i didn't want to be seen as a "mom", because that stereotype usually means someone housebound, weird, frumpy, frowny, cut-off, consumed with babies, tied-up and trapped.
i guess that's kinda what happens. i have always been a homebody, though. and i've certainly always been weird. i'm not too frumpy...well, maybe i am, but that's because we're poor. i might be a little more frowny, but i'm not any more cut-off than i was before. i guess i am a little bit more consumed with babies - i get REALLY excited about pregnancies, choices people make about having babies, raising babies! baby stories, yes! (forest fires, yeah!) and i AM on baby time, but not so very trapped. so, what's so scary about all that stuff? nothing! why so fearful? not sure why i was - i kinda like all my future prospects, now, even if i am frumpy, frowny, weird, housebound, cut-off, consumed with babies, tied up and trapped. jack is still the greatest gift i've ever received, and i can't wait to have another baby. i can't wait to create life, again.
create life!? i mean, c'mon, how freaking cool is that??? with the man i love most in the world! a human comprised of both our DNA? yes, please! a chance to create someone who will change the world simply because they exist! plus, if anything happens to me, joel still has a little bit of me left in our babies. likewise, should anything happen to him. i'm all over the map, but who cares? this is my blog! haha.
and, i'll prolly address this more another time, because the Lord has really been laying it on my heart, but i am quite certain that few things matter more than laying yourself down for others. especially for your spouse and children.
specifically, before jack (b.j.), i was so worried about how much weight i would put on during the pregnancy, and how my body would never be the same. after jack (a.j.), sure - i am different, but i kinda like the new me. it is a body that housed another body, and my husband still thinks me sexy, so...what have i lost? hey! - and what is body image, anyway? who says i'm ugly or beautiful? what does it matter? i gave birth to a PERSON! regardless, b.j./a.j. the only person's opinion that should matter is joel's! and, he, being a healthy, godly man, realizes i've never been a porn star or an athlete or a magazine cover and i never will be; i am me, and i am his standard of beauty, and i do what i can to look good for him.
b.j i was afraid of how often i'd get to travel. the Lord knows our desires; He gave us southwest. neither one of us feels trapped or restricted; that's just something nice He allows for now, and i'm soaking it up. it is truly a blessing to have this freedom.
b.j. we were freaking out about finances, but a.j. God provided in SO many ways! again, we went from joel making $10/hour at a call center to working for southwest! we're still kinda at the poverty line, but we have enough! and we are happy! the Lord also blessed us with many baby showers - some spontaneous and some plotted; all have lead to clothing, supplies, diapers, and food for us from our family at our church! what love the Father has bestowed upon us! He is taking care of us financially still, through His people. He is so good.
b.j. i was worried i'd be a bad mom. a.j. i realize that i'm the perfect mom for jack, or else he wouldn't be mine.
b.j. i was worried i wouldn't have time with the Lord. a.j. i'm still figuring that one out, but in many ways, my relationship with the Lord has found new roots, and i am discovering that if i want Him to be a priority, it's up to me to make Him number one.
b.j. i was worried that i would forget about joel and lose sight of our marriage, because i believe that in order to have a secure family, it starts with the marriage. working on keeping each other as our first loves provides a more stable home for our children, not to mention sets a good example of happy married life, and what to aim for - teach 'em the ropes! it's tempting to sway toward sending all my loves to jack, because he is so easy to please, and he doesn't have any words :) but, a.j. i'm learning to balance my relationship with joel, and it's almost more exciting since there is a new challenge, in a way...and i love joel more for being a father, and a GREAT one at that!
i think those were most of my fears, but now that i'm on the other side, i'm really not down and out because of these changes from jack; my life is improved with him. it's awesome.
these are my thoughts!
so, what's up?
well, jack is basically the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever (aside from salvation and jole, naturally).
he is THE cutest baby. he is MY baby. he is the BEST BABY EVER.
his fussiness is the best. his serious faces are my favorite. i love all his little noises and his big noises. his kicks are funny, his cries are heartbreaking, his expressions are priceless! i am in love! all i can do is swoon and kiss him and smile at him! all the time!
and this is what i think: why was i so opposed to babies before jack? why didn't i want one? why did i cringe at the thought of having one, let alone touching one? i have been babysitting since the beginning of time, and teaming that with the fact that i've worked in schools and daycares and sunday school nurseries, you could say that i've been dealing with children for two solid decades...and all that time, i never saw anything sooo special that i thought, "dang, i need to get me one of these!"
my reasons were as follows: once you're a parent, you can NEVER STOP being a parent. such a notion is extremely daunting to me; having never desired living in a place for more than 2 years, and getting restless enough to move from state to state between each jaunt..."long-term" really didn't hold much appeal for me. getting married wasn't so bad, though...i didn't want a boyfriend for a long time, and i didn't meet any boys who struck my fancy until jole. when i saw him, it was over. that was the first "long-term" commitment i ever made. i gotta say, he was and is the best choice. perfect for me. he fits snugly in my heart, conformed to me like memory foam.
so, nope. didn't want to be responsible for another life. didn't want to deal with heartache or sorrow or disappointment or being "needed" all the time. didn't want to be a "mom", didn't really understood what that entailed, even though i had the most amazing mom in the world, who demonstrated how wonderful mommyness could be for everyone involved!
along with fear of commitment, jole and i wanted time to ourselves - to get situated in OUR relationship before introducing anyone else to it; we wanted to be alone and have the freedom to travel and move and do whatever we wanted without being tied down. we wanted to space them out to about a 5 years into our marriage, because we know our lives as we knew them would be "over".
could you imagine ever saying something like that to someone who really wanted children, but couldn't have them? could you say, "we just don't want them. they'll cramp our style. they'll get in the way. always having to think of how to care for them. all the poop and puke and snot and teething and toddler tantrums and teenage, hormonal meltdowns."
sure that stuff is hard, but how does that NOT sound selfish? weren't we children once? didn't our parents face the same requirement to lay their own lives down to raise all of us? some parents took the challenge and met it, sacrificing so much to give their children everything they could - and couldn't! - but others kept that mentality that children are nothing more than inconvenient, and marched on, doing what they wanted without thinking how it would affect their children. that's good parenting and bad parenting - ones who are humbled and ones who are egocentric.
marrying joel showed me how selfish i was as a single person. having jack blew that initial notion of selfishness out of the water. i was - AM - very self-absorbed. i am learning how NOT to be, but only by the grace of God. i mean that - it is by God's grace that i am learning how to parent jack and be a wife to joel with a babe in arms.
and...see this clearly: laying myself down, learning jack, learning ways to love joel, learning ways to continue my relationship with God, has been the greatest adventure i have EVER experienced.
it was not my choice to have jack, but i am so so so grateful for him, and i would have a hundred more babies just because of him.
i get to pray over him every night while he squirms and growls and burbles; i thank God with so many tears that He saw fit to let me take care of Jack while i'm alive here on earth! i get to hold his little hands and kiss his cheeks anytime i want. i get to raise him. i get to love him for the rest of my life. i get to show him Jesus and show him what a wonderful God and wonderful Savior Christ Jesus is for me, and can be for him. i get to be there for every phase of his life; i get to spend myself in the night, bent over him while he nurses at 3am, and i get to hold him when he's crying as much as when he's cooing.
i get to be a haven for him, a safe place - for the rest of his life until he meets his wife.
i don't mind the work. i love it. it's hard, but it's also so very easy. greatly in part because i have such a loving, tender husband to help with the rough spots.
in ways, i can see why people say they don't want children...because i felt that way once. i probably would have continued pushing the "deadline" for having babies until it was too late. but, i'm not going to lie...fertile, married, stable couples opting not to have children doesn't make sense to me - probably because i'm now on the "parent" side of things. i don't feel pity for childless couples - there isn't any sorrow or thoughts of, "well, they're missing out!" all i know is that i feel fuller and more joyful than i ever have in my entire life. sometimes, i feel like i've just run into a wall of "giddy" when i look at jack and a slow smile spreads across his huge cheeks. i never loved a baby the way i love jack. it is whole. i feel whole, even though i didn't feel "half" before. strange. wonderful! one thing i'm certain of is...couples (me and joel included) who don't want children only feel that way for selfish reasons, because since i've had jack, i realize all i do is "give" and "give up"...but, i don't care! i think when you're looking at it from the outside, you DO care. you don't see how you CAN'T care. they don't want the stigma of being parents. hey, i didn't want to smell like baby, but i am proud to wear his perfume these days! lol i didn't want to be seen as a "mom", because that stereotype usually means someone housebound, weird, frumpy, frowny, cut-off, consumed with babies, tied-up and trapped.
i guess that's kinda what happens. i have always been a homebody, though. and i've certainly always been weird. i'm not too frumpy...well, maybe i am, but that's because we're poor. i might be a little more frowny, but i'm not any more cut-off than i was before. i guess i am a little bit more consumed with babies - i get REALLY excited about pregnancies, choices people make about having babies, raising babies! baby stories, yes! (forest fires, yeah!) and i AM on baby time, but not so very trapped. so, what's so scary about all that stuff? nothing! why so fearful? not sure why i was - i kinda like all my future prospects, now, even if i am frumpy, frowny, weird, housebound, cut-off, consumed with babies, tied up and trapped. jack is still the greatest gift i've ever received, and i can't wait to have another baby. i can't wait to create life, again.
create life!? i mean, c'mon, how freaking cool is that??? with the man i love most in the world! a human comprised of both our DNA? yes, please! a chance to create someone who will change the world simply because they exist! plus, if anything happens to me, joel still has a little bit of me left in our babies. likewise, should anything happen to him. i'm all over the map, but who cares? this is my blog! haha.
and, i'll prolly address this more another time, because the Lord has really been laying it on my heart, but i am quite certain that few things matter more than laying yourself down for others. especially for your spouse and children.
specifically, before jack (b.j.), i was so worried about how much weight i would put on during the pregnancy, and how my body would never be the same. after jack (a.j.), sure - i am different, but i kinda like the new me. it is a body that housed another body, and my husband still thinks me sexy, so...what have i lost? hey! - and what is body image, anyway? who says i'm ugly or beautiful? what does it matter? i gave birth to a PERSON! regardless, b.j./a.j. the only person's opinion that should matter is joel's! and, he, being a healthy, godly man, realizes i've never been a porn star or an athlete or a magazine cover and i never will be; i am me, and i am his standard of beauty, and i do what i can to look good for him.
b.j i was afraid of how often i'd get to travel. the Lord knows our desires; He gave us southwest. neither one of us feels trapped or restricted; that's just something nice He allows for now, and i'm soaking it up. it is truly a blessing to have this freedom.
b.j. we were freaking out about finances, but a.j. God provided in SO many ways! again, we went from joel making $10/hour at a call center to working for southwest! we're still kinda at the poverty line, but we have enough! and we are happy! the Lord also blessed us with many baby showers - some spontaneous and some plotted; all have lead to clothing, supplies, diapers, and food for us from our family at our church! what love the Father has bestowed upon us! He is taking care of us financially still, through His people. He is so good.
b.j. i was worried i'd be a bad mom. a.j. i realize that i'm the perfect mom for jack, or else he wouldn't be mine.
b.j. i was worried i wouldn't have time with the Lord. a.j. i'm still figuring that one out, but in many ways, my relationship with the Lord has found new roots, and i am discovering that if i want Him to be a priority, it's up to me to make Him number one.
b.j. i was worried that i would forget about joel and lose sight of our marriage, because i believe that in order to have a secure family, it starts with the marriage. working on keeping each other as our first loves provides a more stable home for our children, not to mention sets a good example of happy married life, and what to aim for - teach 'em the ropes! it's tempting to sway toward sending all my loves to jack, because he is so easy to please, and he doesn't have any words :) but, a.j. i'm learning to balance my relationship with joel, and it's almost more exciting since there is a new challenge, in a way...and i love joel more for being a father, and a GREAT one at that!
i think those were most of my fears, but now that i'm on the other side, i'm really not down and out because of these changes from jack; my life is improved with him. it's awesome.
these are my thoughts!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
one new memory
i'm up too late and i'll be kicking myself in the morning more than i am, now.
i simply felt compelled to write something since i haven't in so long. a new update? what's this?!
joel, jack and i have just returned home after a visit to oregon. we spent a couple of days on the coast, admiring the scenery and introducing jack to my good friend, the beautiful sea. he'd already met it before along the california coast, but now he has tasted a mite bit of the truly wild portion of the northern coastal lands.
perhaps one of my most favorite moments of the entire trip took place on our last day. jack had just about had enough of our shenanigans and was sick of traveling; he was fussy and red-eyed, occasionally bursting out in rounds of discontented shrieks before i reached back each time and thumped a pacifier in his sweet little mouth. we were tired, and had just cleared out of cannon beach; we were fixing to go home (to sean and adnama's), but i had been disappointed in our early leave of the ocean, so joel headed our rental suburu north toward seaside.
the sun had finally shaken itself free from a bank of fog and clotted clouds, so it was relatively warm, stirred only by a smooth breeze. we stopped by taco bell (i was hungry!) before sidling down a street opening to the beach. we pulled jack from his warm cocoon of a carseat and lumped our way down across rolling, sandy dunes decorated with fields of long salty grass. we had been aiming for the lonely swings just over the last rise, but they weren't so lonely. a girl had taken up a seat on one and we didn't want to interrupt her, so we ambled a little further until joel spotted a massive chunk of driftwood (read: entire tree swept high onto the shore). it became our picnic spot and in a matter of seconds, we were surrounded by an army of seagulls. only one was bold enough to crowd me while i sat on the tree and joel stood in front of me to block the sun and wind from jack's face (the wee lad was strapped to my body in the moby wrap while i dropped taco bell chips on his head), so joel scared it away about three times, but it continued to flutter noisily back to its place beside me. it squalled and squawked and chirped and mewed at us for food; but, it wasn't until we noticed its injured, gimpy leg that we took pity and fed it the weirdly juicy taco bell meat from some of our tacos. we made sure none of the other seagulls could snatch his meal away from him...which might have been a cruelty in disguise, since the seagull had probably been wounded BECAUSE it trusted humans. :(
what made this memory sweet to me was the presence of my boys. joel stood to shield me and jack from the wind; he was protecting us and looking after us; he was thoroughly enjoying himself with first scaring the seagulls, and then feeding the one. i loved watching him. jack was adorable, and i had the privilege of feeding him on the beach. it felt so beautiful, to be breastfeeding outside in the sunshine and wind, with the clap and crumble of waves crushing the sand just a few yards away. i was so happy in that moment; i felt full. i feel full, now, just remembering that day! the scene is so vibrant in my mind.
and now, off to bed!
i simply felt compelled to write something since i haven't in so long. a new update? what's this?!
joel, jack and i have just returned home after a visit to oregon. we spent a couple of days on the coast, admiring the scenery and introducing jack to my good friend, the beautiful sea. he'd already met it before along the california coast, but now he has tasted a mite bit of the truly wild portion of the northern coastal lands.
perhaps one of my most favorite moments of the entire trip took place on our last day. jack had just about had enough of our shenanigans and was sick of traveling; he was fussy and red-eyed, occasionally bursting out in rounds of discontented shrieks before i reached back each time and thumped a pacifier in his sweet little mouth. we were tired, and had just cleared out of cannon beach; we were fixing to go home (to sean and adnama's), but i had been disappointed in our early leave of the ocean, so joel headed our rental suburu north toward seaside.
the sun had finally shaken itself free from a bank of fog and clotted clouds, so it was relatively warm, stirred only by a smooth breeze. we stopped by taco bell (i was hungry!) before sidling down a street opening to the beach. we pulled jack from his warm cocoon of a carseat and lumped our way down across rolling, sandy dunes decorated with fields of long salty grass. we had been aiming for the lonely swings just over the last rise, but they weren't so lonely. a girl had taken up a seat on one and we didn't want to interrupt her, so we ambled a little further until joel spotted a massive chunk of driftwood (read: entire tree swept high onto the shore). it became our picnic spot and in a matter of seconds, we were surrounded by an army of seagulls. only one was bold enough to crowd me while i sat on the tree and joel stood in front of me to block the sun and wind from jack's face (the wee lad was strapped to my body in the moby wrap while i dropped taco bell chips on his head), so joel scared it away about three times, but it continued to flutter noisily back to its place beside me. it squalled and squawked and chirped and mewed at us for food; but, it wasn't until we noticed its injured, gimpy leg that we took pity and fed it the weirdly juicy taco bell meat from some of our tacos. we made sure none of the other seagulls could snatch his meal away from him...which might have been a cruelty in disguise, since the seagull had probably been wounded BECAUSE it trusted humans. :(
what made this memory sweet to me was the presence of my boys. joel stood to shield me and jack from the wind; he was protecting us and looking after us; he was thoroughly enjoying himself with first scaring the seagulls, and then feeding the one. i loved watching him. jack was adorable, and i had the privilege of feeding him on the beach. it felt so beautiful, to be breastfeeding outside in the sunshine and wind, with the clap and crumble of waves crushing the sand just a few yards away. i was so happy in that moment; i felt full. i feel full, now, just remembering that day! the scene is so vibrant in my mind.
and now, off to bed!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
important
i hope to take this up again later today, but just now, i read 1 corinthians 10:31, and was reminded of something.
naturally, as i read, my eyes have been trained to read an appointed, recommended verse, and then sift through the verses around it - starting before and after a paragraph, if it is one. and it usually is. :) most of us know this verse:
"so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
i came here because John Piper suggested his catch phrase - one i heartily adhere to as a genuine truth. he said, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." yes. yes, and satisfaction comes from steeping your heart in Scripture, and being obedient, among other things.
as my eyes trickled upward, i spotted, "'all things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'all things are lawful,' but not all things build up. let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."
last night, i bemoaned my two-facedness to joel. i have not always sought the good of my neighbor. i have not avoided things i know that cause others to stumble. i have not always spoken well, and my tongue has proven to be more than poisonous, more than deadly. hacked people to pieces, i have. with cynicism. and skepticism. and judgment.
i want my words to be helpful. i want them to build up - whoever i am talking to or about. i want to keep my tongue from causing others to stumble. i want to seek the good of my neighbor. i want to be obedient in this way, so that i can glorify God and be satisfied in Him.
seeking to glorify myself has left me woefully unsatisfied.
naturally, as i read, my eyes have been trained to read an appointed, recommended verse, and then sift through the verses around it - starting before and after a paragraph, if it is one. and it usually is. :) most of us know this verse:
"so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
i came here because John Piper suggested his catch phrase - one i heartily adhere to as a genuine truth. he said, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." yes. yes, and satisfaction comes from steeping your heart in Scripture, and being obedient, among other things.
as my eyes trickled upward, i spotted, "'all things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'all things are lawful,' but not all things build up. let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."
last night, i bemoaned my two-facedness to joel. i have not always sought the good of my neighbor. i have not avoided things i know that cause others to stumble. i have not always spoken well, and my tongue has proven to be more than poisonous, more than deadly. hacked people to pieces, i have. with cynicism. and skepticism. and judgment.
i want my words to be helpful. i want them to build up - whoever i am talking to or about. i want to keep my tongue from causing others to stumble. i want to seek the good of my neighbor. i want to be obedient in this way, so that i can glorify God and be satisfied in Him.
seeking to glorify myself has left me woefully unsatisfied.
Friday, February 3, 2012
to turn
maybe it's because i'm pregnant, maybe it's the Lord, maybe it's whatever fragment of "not-pregnant" Nicole i still maintain somewhere in my brain...however it falls, i have this feeling of being flipped upside down and turned on my head. spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. and, yeah, physically.
so conflicted and desperate, i've not been drawn and quartered this magnificently in quite a while! desires to participate have gobbled up a good portion of my thoughts - participate in church, in people's lives, in prayer. it is so easy to get into Bible Study groups, in church functions, in church activities...but, that's not all that i want. i want people. i want to know people, and i want to be known. i want to be a part of the community, but i am having the hardest time trying to break in... while i want fellowship, i also want pure Scripture to be the driving focus of our conversation. i want to talk about Jesus...but, so far, all attempts have been unsuccessful in gaining the attention of fellow Believers. i am feeling very desperate, and very much on the outside. i want so badly to have friends here in Texas, especially now that i'm pregnant and looking at the world with new eyes - how important it is to be a part of a group of people - people who aren't afraid to open up, encourage, and set me straight. i don't want to be comforted and pitied when i have problems, i want to be brought up by the scruff of my neck and set straight. where do you find people who aren't afraid to tell you Truth? not afraid to buckled down with you and drag you down the right road when you're standing at a fork looking hellish on one angle and heavenly on the other? sometimes i choose the hellish on my own! i need the flock!
i need to pray for Jack. i need him to be covered from day one to day forever. i need support, a network of bold, Christ-centered Christians. O, Lord! O, Lord!
give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! attend to me, and answer me; i am restless in my complaint and i moan! (55)
so conflicted and desperate, i've not been drawn and quartered this magnificently in quite a while! desires to participate have gobbled up a good portion of my thoughts - participate in church, in people's lives, in prayer. it is so easy to get into Bible Study groups, in church functions, in church activities...but, that's not all that i want. i want people. i want to know people, and i want to be known. i want to be a part of the community, but i am having the hardest time trying to break in... while i want fellowship, i also want pure Scripture to be the driving focus of our conversation. i want to talk about Jesus...but, so far, all attempts have been unsuccessful in gaining the attention of fellow Believers. i am feeling very desperate, and very much on the outside. i want so badly to have friends here in Texas, especially now that i'm pregnant and looking at the world with new eyes - how important it is to be a part of a group of people - people who aren't afraid to open up, encourage, and set me straight. i don't want to be comforted and pitied when i have problems, i want to be brought up by the scruff of my neck and set straight. where do you find people who aren't afraid to tell you Truth? not afraid to buckled down with you and drag you down the right road when you're standing at a fork looking hellish on one angle and heavenly on the other? sometimes i choose the hellish on my own! i need the flock!
i need to pray for Jack. i need him to be covered from day one to day forever. i need support, a network of bold, Christ-centered Christians. O, Lord! O, Lord!
give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! attend to me, and answer me; i am restless in my complaint and i moan! (55)
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