ghosts

i refused to get out of bed this morning because i knew that the second i was, i would be inexplicably drawn to the dishes. and, of course, after prying my face away from the outstretched paws of Kitten Scribble, i numbly thumped across granules of kitty cat litter and plunged my hands into the heap of dirty dishes i put off from last night's dinner.

there, with my hands burning and wrinkling in the soap, i remembered things i'd forgotten. like, how i'd never wanted to be married or domestic (even though secretly i knew that's where i'd happily end up). i used to be in love with the idea of being free to do anything and everything i wanted, and that i never wanted a boy to hold me down. joel doesn't, and he won't, but i think i'm different than i used to be - i have a different mindset, and i only remember that it's changed upon listening to superchick. then, i recall the moments where i was alone and uninhibited. those were the years in oregon. i was done with school, and i could flee to the beach, live with whomever i wanted, read my bible in a sunny park in the middle of summer (and not be scorched), and eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.

to be clear, i'm not blaming joel. i just want to incorporate some of my past fire to break me out of my present coma. lately, each day really has become a shift at work and nothing more. ugh, it makes me sick. i can't escape anywhere, and i'm not standing up for anything. i used to be filled with hope.

last night, joel mentioned buying a house and settling down with children. somewhere permanent. my heart bashed into my brain and i had a mild, cleverly disguised panic attack. i forgot that was part of the deal. i thought i would be ready to consider this. stop and settle down. EW. i like it when other people do, but that means i have to choose ONE place to live! i can't move anymore!!! i can't sample the states anymore! i have to put down roots! i almost want to cry! or break into a run, but i can't because it's ten degrees outside and my lungs will explode!!! i know this sounds totally immature, and should probably go in a journal where no one will see it until i'm dead, but fear is clutching my heart. i can see someone hovering over my unused wings with a pair of scissors.

i'm so mad at myself that i haven't taken advantage of researching, playing, being alive in Christ while married! i did it when i was alone. dang. i feel hard pressed to do something about that NOW. where can i go? i want to go down to riverscape, but joel will be here in a few hours :( i want to write...i have to choose!!! okay, i'll go choose. i'll do something. i'll plan on doing something.

i've been dead and desperate for about two years, i want to be more for the Lord. MUCH more. use what He's given me. such thinking was reawakened when i listened to "hey hey" by superchick. you can listen to it on purevolume.com. while you're at it, listen to the next song, "alive."

xoxoxoxoxo