last week, someone put the soundtrack for Tron: Legacy into the overhead at work, and i began a nervous twitch; i needed the CD. bad.
yesterday, i agonized over buying the thing because all the other copies had already been sucked up by other employees and customers. only one copy remained, and it was the one we listened to every day. i didn't want to take it out because it was one of the few CD's i think everyone either enjoyed, or felt indifferently about its cyclical play. i opted to snatch it out and buy it at the end of my shift; i couldn't bear to part with such a fabulous album.
when i got home, i plugged it in and listened to it for five hours straight. obsess much? yes!
and then i went with some friends to see the actual film today, and found that i had memorized the entire score, predicting each song as they made their appearance.
NEW FAVORITE FUN MOVIE.
action! fighting! storyline! humorous at times, and totally enjoyable. not to mention pretty - technologically speaking. i like that everyone had glowing clothes. it made me want to live in a weirdly-lighted world, too.
buy the soundtrack, see the movie!
pointless post, but at least it reveals my activities over the last 48 hours.
xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
i like this song
the hard lessons make the difference.
and the difference makes it worth it.
xoxoxoxo!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
just listen for a moment...
Duly conscious of the solemn obligations of marriage, the bridegroom made the following declaration to his bride: "Be consecrated unto me as my wife according to the laws of Moses and Israel. I will love, honor, and cherish you; I will protect and support you, and I will faithfully care for your needs, as prescribed by Jewish law and tradition." And the bride made the following declaration to the groom: "In accepting the wedding ring, I pledge you all my love and devotion, and I take upon myself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish wife."
-From the Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract
my eyes keep scrolling over those words, the promises made. it's beautiful. the covenant these words form binds a man and woman together before the eyes of witnesses and the wonderful eyes of God.
we are the ones who whisper those words to the Lord when we receive His love, and we communicate our choice to follow Him when we are baptized: "I pledge You all my love and devotion, and I take upon myself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon the one You love."
it's so public, and still so intimate. being baptized and being married are so similar - you are forsaking everything else (baptism) and everyone else (marriage) and plunging headlong into one relationship forever.
baptism is a directly visible, public commitment, expressing your relationship with God: you are a follower, and you are in love with Him, and you want everyone to know and help you along.
as far as relationships on earth go, marriage dimly mirrors the connection between God and His people; it is the best way to illustrate His love for us - the best physical representation. his love is pure, devoted, wholesome, binding, secure, and unwavering. marriage is intended to be that, and, no one can be (or should be) as intimate and knowledgeable of each other as a man and his wife. there are other examples, as a child to a parent, in the sense that God protects us, but a parent could never know their child as well as they know their spouse. eventually, the child becomes his or her own person, and starts another life outside the home.
see His love!!!!
"I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." (Hosea 2:19,20)
betrothal is no small issue of devotion - it's the equivalent of marriage, and in order to break it off, one would need a divorce. it's intention, but beyond intention; it's total abandonment to one person. for example, consider the cross! when God gives Himself, He gives Himself completely; He's always all in or all out.
altogether, His love really does fall all around us in every shape, and in every form, not just in terms of marriage; He relates to everyone in different ways; to a child who never had a good father, He IS that:
"the Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf! just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries His son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place." (Deuteronomy 1:30, 31)
i've never known a love greater than His. He is my Father who carries me, my God who sustains me, my Love who fills my soul to purge the doubt and fear. He uproots filaments that attach me to this world only when i let Him; He woos me, He doesn't force me. but He lets me know through His Word when i'm rejecting His wisdom, when i'm slipping. He has made my heart so tender to His, I find myself giving in to Him over and over again. whatever He wants, eventually i'll let Him have it, if not immediately. He is perfect...and...here it comes!!! i can't keep it in!!!! al;sdkdfhhergoia;lkjagfha;iart;kja!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish we could all remember! remember that God is real, that this life is not a test! that this life - your life, my life - WILL END...and that YES, there is a Creator, and we WILL meet Him face to face!!! and He is INVOLVED and INTERESTED in EVERYTHING!!! if only we could all remember that! it's REAL!!! it's ALL SO REAL!!! we forget so easily - so easily distracted by satan, that loathesome, heartless beast who only cares to use us against the Lord! we make mistakes! SERIOUS mistakes!!! TACTICAL ERRORS!!! how often has the Lord been literally stabbed over and over again with our reckless pursuits of self-centered dreams???
we profess, and then we turn around and make fools of everyone!
i can't even bear it, and i can't stop crying!!! i hate him, i hate satan so much!!!!!!!!! i hate our sin nature, we can be so wretched. so wicked.
BLARCH!!!
this blog is about marriage!!! a marriage between a man and a woman, and a marriage between a holy God and unholy people. He has purified us JUST SO THAT He can be close to us and share an eternity with us! to give us hope! to give us life!!!
but the world - and people poisoned by worldly example and thought - don't see marriage as anything more than a contract you can break if you don't like how it's going! if you see something better, you can break it off, but that defiles what marriage stands for. it hurts so many people, and it hurts its purpose. i am not condemning, and i know quite a few people who are divorced, but that's between them and their ex-spouses...Oh!!! i just want to show that marriage is so sacred, it should not be mocked!!!
and it IS MOCKED when you have sex outside of marriage!!!!!!
but people forget! we forget because sin has twisted and marred the concept of men and women in a committed relationship. it has been rotted by abusive husbands, unfaithful wives, sharp words, and cold, embittered hearts. and, yes!! along the same lines, souls seeking self-fulfillment jump into beds with strangers to slake their hunger for love and acceptance. we eat up the lies like we've never been fed before! Oh, Christians!!! it's a mockery of a relationship intended to protect us and send our hearts spiraling heavenward.
we don't marvel at how God has made us to complement each other with our entire lifetimes. men and women, different creatures, being wrapped and bound together in a promise to love one another fully by conscious choice until their last heartbeat. it's a joke!
it's so so fragile these days for EVERYONE! stop breaking your promises and start living for the Lord! it is SO SWEET to be in fellowship with the Lord, and i PROMISE it is worth EVERY sacrifice you make!
Christian, marry a man or woman devoted to the Lord and you will have the power to work through EVERYTHING. Christian, don't be a fool! devote yourself to a God who is wholly devoted to you! the one seeking to protect you, seeking to make you whole in a right way with Himself and THEN with another person! stop jumping into meaningless relationships! stop! LIVE!!!
this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own body in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the AVENGER in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you! For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. so, he who rejects this is NOT rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you!
there. i started with talking at a moderate, reasonable level, and worked my way up to yelling and crying for the last twenty minutes.
don't forget! don't forget what marriage means! don't forget that it is a mockery to think that you can work your way around the consequences of breaking that covenant by defrauding your brother or sister by sleeping with them! (marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (heb 13:4))you are taking away moments they should be giving to their future spouse - not you! you are stealing what doesn't belong to you, and so are they! no more! drop it! put it down! quit!
stop.
my eyes HURT.
:(
i'm going to throw up now.
-From the Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract
my eyes keep scrolling over those words, the promises made. it's beautiful. the covenant these words form binds a man and woman together before the eyes of witnesses and the wonderful eyes of God.
we are the ones who whisper those words to the Lord when we receive His love, and we communicate our choice to follow Him when we are baptized: "I pledge You all my love and devotion, and I take upon myself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon the one You love."
it's so public, and still so intimate. being baptized and being married are so similar - you are forsaking everything else (baptism) and everyone else (marriage) and plunging headlong into one relationship forever.
baptism is a directly visible, public commitment, expressing your relationship with God: you are a follower, and you are in love with Him, and you want everyone to know and help you along.
as far as relationships on earth go, marriage dimly mirrors the connection between God and His people; it is the best way to illustrate His love for us - the best physical representation. his love is pure, devoted, wholesome, binding, secure, and unwavering. marriage is intended to be that, and, no one can be (or should be) as intimate and knowledgeable of each other as a man and his wife. there are other examples, as a child to a parent, in the sense that God protects us, but a parent could never know their child as well as they know their spouse. eventually, the child becomes his or her own person, and starts another life outside the home.
see His love!!!!
"I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." (Hosea 2:19,20)
betrothal is no small issue of devotion - it's the equivalent of marriage, and in order to break it off, one would need a divorce. it's intention, but beyond intention; it's total abandonment to one person. for example, consider the cross! when God gives Himself, He gives Himself completely; He's always all in or all out.
altogether, His love really does fall all around us in every shape, and in every form, not just in terms of marriage; He relates to everyone in different ways; to a child who never had a good father, He IS that:
"the Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf! just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries His son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place." (Deuteronomy 1:30, 31)
i've never known a love greater than His. He is my Father who carries me, my God who sustains me, my Love who fills my soul to purge the doubt and fear. He uproots filaments that attach me to this world only when i let Him; He woos me, He doesn't force me. but He lets me know through His Word when i'm rejecting His wisdom, when i'm slipping. He has made my heart so tender to His, I find myself giving in to Him over and over again. whatever He wants, eventually i'll let Him have it, if not immediately. He is perfect...and...here it comes!!! i can't keep it in!!!! al;sdkdfhhergoia;lkjagfha;iart;kja!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish we could all remember! remember that God is real, that this life is not a test! that this life - your life, my life - WILL END...and that YES, there is a Creator, and we WILL meet Him face to face!!! and He is INVOLVED and INTERESTED in EVERYTHING!!! if only we could all remember that! it's REAL!!! it's ALL SO REAL!!! we forget so easily - so easily distracted by satan, that loathesome, heartless beast who only cares to use us against the Lord! we make mistakes! SERIOUS mistakes!!! TACTICAL ERRORS!!! how often has the Lord been literally stabbed over and over again with our reckless pursuits of self-centered dreams???
we profess, and then we turn around and make fools of everyone!
i can't even bear it, and i can't stop crying!!! i hate him, i hate satan so much!!!!!!!!! i hate our sin nature, we can be so wretched. so wicked.
BLARCH!!!
this blog is about marriage!!! a marriage between a man and a woman, and a marriage between a holy God and unholy people. He has purified us JUST SO THAT He can be close to us and share an eternity with us! to give us hope! to give us life!!!
but the world - and people poisoned by worldly example and thought - don't see marriage as anything more than a contract you can break if you don't like how it's going! if you see something better, you can break it off, but that defiles what marriage stands for. it hurts so many people, and it hurts its purpose. i am not condemning, and i know quite a few people who are divorced, but that's between them and their ex-spouses...Oh!!! i just want to show that marriage is so sacred, it should not be mocked!!!
and it IS MOCKED when you have sex outside of marriage!!!!!!
but people forget! we forget because sin has twisted and marred the concept of men and women in a committed relationship. it has been rotted by abusive husbands, unfaithful wives, sharp words, and cold, embittered hearts. and, yes!! along the same lines, souls seeking self-fulfillment jump into beds with strangers to slake their hunger for love and acceptance. we eat up the lies like we've never been fed before! Oh, Christians!!! it's a mockery of a relationship intended to protect us and send our hearts spiraling heavenward.
we don't marvel at how God has made us to complement each other with our entire lifetimes. men and women, different creatures, being wrapped and bound together in a promise to love one another fully by conscious choice until their last heartbeat. it's a joke!
it's so so fragile these days for EVERYONE! stop breaking your promises and start living for the Lord! it is SO SWEET to be in fellowship with the Lord, and i PROMISE it is worth EVERY sacrifice you make!
Christian, marry a man or woman devoted to the Lord and you will have the power to work through EVERYTHING. Christian, don't be a fool! devote yourself to a God who is wholly devoted to you! the one seeking to protect you, seeking to make you whole in a right way with Himself and THEN with another person! stop jumping into meaningless relationships! stop! LIVE!!!
this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own body in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the AVENGER in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you! For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. so, he who rejects this is NOT rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you!
there. i started with talking at a moderate, reasonable level, and worked my way up to yelling and crying for the last twenty minutes.
don't forget! don't forget what marriage means! don't forget that it is a mockery to think that you can work your way around the consequences of breaking that covenant by defrauding your brother or sister by sleeping with them! (marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (heb 13:4))you are taking away moments they should be giving to their future spouse - not you! you are stealing what doesn't belong to you, and so are they! no more! drop it! put it down! quit!
stop.
my eyes HURT.
:(
i'm going to throw up now.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
ghosts
i refused to get out of bed this morning because i knew that the second i was, i would be inexplicably drawn to the dishes. and, of course, after prying my face away from the outstretched paws of Kitten Scribble, i numbly thumped across granules of kitty cat litter and plunged my hands into the heap of dirty dishes i put off from last night's dinner.
there, with my hands burning and wrinkling in the soap, i remembered things i'd forgotten. like, how i'd never wanted to be married or domestic (even though secretly i knew that's where i'd happily end up). i used to be in love with the idea of being free to do anything and everything i wanted, and that i never wanted a boy to hold me down. joel doesn't, and he won't, but i think i'm different than i used to be - i have a different mindset, and i only remember that it's changed upon listening to superchick. then, i recall the moments where i was alone and uninhibited. those were the years in oregon. i was done with school, and i could flee to the beach, live with whomever i wanted, read my bible in a sunny park in the middle of summer (and not be scorched), and eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.
to be clear, i'm not blaming joel. i just want to incorporate some of my past fire to break me out of my present coma. lately, each day really has become a shift at work and nothing more. ugh, it makes me sick. i can't escape anywhere, and i'm not standing up for anything. i used to be filled with hope.
last night, joel mentioned buying a house and settling down with children. somewhere permanent. my heart bashed into my brain and i had a mild, cleverly disguised panic attack. i forgot that was part of the deal. i thought i would be ready to consider this. stop and settle down. EW. i like it when other people do, but that means i have to choose ONE place to live! i can't move anymore!!! i can't sample the states anymore! i have to put down roots! i almost want to cry! or break into a run, but i can't because it's ten degrees outside and my lungs will explode!!! i know this sounds totally immature, and should probably go in a journal where no one will see it until i'm dead, but fear is clutching my heart. i can see someone hovering over my unused wings with a pair of scissors.
i'm so mad at myself that i haven't taken advantage of researching, playing, being alive in Christ while married! i did it when i was alone. dang. i feel hard pressed to do something about that NOW. where can i go? i want to go down to riverscape, but joel will be here in a few hours :( i want to write...i have to choose!!! okay, i'll go choose. i'll do something. i'll plan on doing something.
i've been dead and desperate for about two years, i want to be more for the Lord. MUCH more. use what He's given me. such thinking was reawakened when i listened to "hey hey" by superchick. you can listen to it on purevolume.com. while you're at it, listen to the next song, "alive."
xoxoxoxoxo
there, with my hands burning and wrinkling in the soap, i remembered things i'd forgotten. like, how i'd never wanted to be married or domestic (even though secretly i knew that's where i'd happily end up). i used to be in love with the idea of being free to do anything and everything i wanted, and that i never wanted a boy to hold me down. joel doesn't, and he won't, but i think i'm different than i used to be - i have a different mindset, and i only remember that it's changed upon listening to superchick. then, i recall the moments where i was alone and uninhibited. those were the years in oregon. i was done with school, and i could flee to the beach, live with whomever i wanted, read my bible in a sunny park in the middle of summer (and not be scorched), and eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.
to be clear, i'm not blaming joel. i just want to incorporate some of my past fire to break me out of my present coma. lately, each day really has become a shift at work and nothing more. ugh, it makes me sick. i can't escape anywhere, and i'm not standing up for anything. i used to be filled with hope.
last night, joel mentioned buying a house and settling down with children. somewhere permanent. my heart bashed into my brain and i had a mild, cleverly disguised panic attack. i forgot that was part of the deal. i thought i would be ready to consider this. stop and settle down. EW. i like it when other people do, but that means i have to choose ONE place to live! i can't move anymore!!! i can't sample the states anymore! i have to put down roots! i almost want to cry! or break into a run, but i can't because it's ten degrees outside and my lungs will explode!!! i know this sounds totally immature, and should probably go in a journal where no one will see it until i'm dead, but fear is clutching my heart. i can see someone hovering over my unused wings with a pair of scissors.
i'm so mad at myself that i haven't taken advantage of researching, playing, being alive in Christ while married! i did it when i was alone. dang. i feel hard pressed to do something about that NOW. where can i go? i want to go down to riverscape, but joel will be here in a few hours :( i want to write...i have to choose!!! okay, i'll go choose. i'll do something. i'll plan on doing something.
i've been dead and desperate for about two years, i want to be more for the Lord. MUCH more. use what He's given me. such thinking was reawakened when i listened to "hey hey" by superchick. you can listen to it on purevolume.com. while you're at it, listen to the next song, "alive."
xoxoxoxoxo
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